Dear Arwen (i mean, " whenever the heck i feel like writing" letter) 3 years old

Dear Arwen,

HAPPY 3RD BIRTHDAY, MY LITTLE DIVA!

Sorry for this really overdue letter, sayang. i will not bother with pointless alasan on why i have been lagging behind, almost not interested anymore even, writing you letters. maybe because you have physically developed little but have grown up so much over these past few months that i have nothing much to update in letters. that did not make sense, i know. and whatever i want to say to you, which most of the time is "No! Arwen, i said NO!" .... i'd say it right there and then.

Your birthday this year was celebrated on the 2nd day of Raya in JB with my side of the family. I never really wanted to hold a party for you but you kept asking me for "Birthday Potty!". so we decided to, at the last minute, after we went out visiting families, to drop by City Square and Oma got you an ice cream cake and i got you some party stuff. By the time we got home, Mo had just arrived from Kota Bahru and we were complete. We whipped out your cake, hung the birthday banner, wore some masks and sang for you. now we have learnt the lesson - when you want "Birthday Potty", you only meant blowing of candles and the noise makers. THAT'S IT. you didn't even care about the cake or the company.

You may have just turned three, but the art of negotiating to have things go your way, or also known as I MAY JUST BE 3 FEET TALL, BUT I HAVE THE POWEEERRR!! has already been cleverly manipulated by you from this very tender age. sometimes, you'd ask politely and ever so sweetly that we have no choice but fall and turn into a wad of goo and do what you want us to do. but most times you'd be so persistently stubborn and whiny and all cry-baby-y that we also have no choice but to do what you want us to do ... or else. as much as it annoys me right now, i seriously hope you will keep this confidence and self-assurance, but please do learn your limits, because if you are who i think you'll be just by watching who you are right now, i know you'll be strong and that you'll go your own way. i know you'll be okay.

a couple of months before you turn 3, you have been successfully potty-trained. i wished it had been sooner, because apparently, according to Oma, your uncles and i have been off the diapers since we were barely 2. but knowing you, you'll only do things when you're ready to, so it's okay. because now that you're ready, you'd even ask to go to the toilet even when you know you're wearing a diaper. so now, we don't even put diaper on you when we go out. so, congratulations sweetheart. you're a big girl now, and i am inconsolable.

speaking of big girl stuff, you had once asked if you could drink your milk like you drink your juice. meaning, no teats. it was just a fluke, a one-time thing, really. but i know it's a sign. i can see a glimmer of hope that you will wean off your bottles real soon all by yourself. part of me is glad to know that we no longer need to deal with bottles anymore, well, until we have another one. but the other part of me is really torn because that means that i slowly have to let go of my baby.

you have graduated from the "what?" phase into a full blown "Why?" phase. you always want to know what's going on and why things are the way they are. sometimes, it is annoying. and i may not have all the answers for you but i promise you, i will teach you all the things i know. and what i don't know, we will figure it out together. your sense of wonderment and your thirst for knowledge is inspiring. never stop asking why. never quit figuring things out, always find a solution and not just an answer and most importantly, never lose your sense of humour.

Arwen,

Know that i mean every thing that i say. everything. even all the "NO"s and "DON'T!"s! i will always be proud of you. I will always love you. And no matter how much you remind me that you are not "baby" or "princess".. that you're just Arwen ... you are more than just Arwen. You are my life. And you will always be my baby, and my princess.

When i found out i was pregnant with you, i will be honest ... i freaked out a bit. i blamed your dad for every pain, every puke, every heartburn and acid i constantly taste at the back of my throat. i wasn't ready. i wasn't prepared. i wasn't sure if i wanted a kid. i can't even see myself as a mom. i mean, yes, of course i had pictured myself having a kid, or a few ... but not that soon. but the very moment that i held you in my arms, when you were still covered with blood and birth, and me forgetting all the pain that i had just experienced, i knew that you're exactly what i had wanted. what i had needed. who i had always wished for.

Ilochi banyak-banyak & peluk penyek,
Mamma.

Song : I Wished For You by Jasmine Ash

monthly letter : months thirty and thirty one

Dear Arwen



yes, yes, i've resorted to two-in-one posting again. it's starting to become a habit for me already, putting off until the next month. also starting to become a habit is not diligently taking your photos as often as intended to during the first year of your being. i've been too busy with work and my other work on the side that i have neglected your letters, and also this blog entirely. so i'm also taking time to source out random photos that people have taken of you using mobile phones so i can put them in your letter(s). and that takes time. yes, i'm full of excuses. oh hey, kinda like you.



you've started to become that kind of 'kuat menjawab' kid since you've started talking. oma blames me. i am that kind of person already who has opinions and answers about everything but when i was pregnant with you, i was worse. i'll always try to have the last say. normally not thinking before i speak. i just say it out. oh hey, kinda just like Oma. well, apples don't fall far from the tree i guess. we only learn from the best, right? can you imagine when the three of us have go at it, bickering and each trying to see who can have the last say? HUGE DRAMA!



saying that, it doesnt mean that i'll always give way to you every time we have arguments and disagreements. i want you to test the boundaries and explore your limits. but there's that - boundaries and limits. you have to know where they are before you start breaking them. i dont mind you being 'kuat menjawab' because i want you to exercise your thinking and opinions, speak your mind and stand up for what you believe in. i want you to creatively find logic and make sense of your own world. because i know, your world will be much different from mine and i know i cannot mould you to fit into mine. i can only help you find a better path, if not best, when you are lost and confused. i know you will know more that i can possibly know. i know you will be my teacher, as much as i am yours.



these past two months has been amazing. it's like every month beats last month's ass when it comes to you. you've grown so much, and with that, talked so much. you love jumping so much that every bed and mattress in the house has transformed into your personal trampoline. you also love to sing, and make up songs as you go along. you love dancing too but that, we have already established the moment you swayed your butt to the music when you began your cruising stage.



you love rough-housing with your dad. you love to attack daddy, running towards him to hug him dripping wet every time you get out of the shower, or after i'm done washing your butt. you'd even tell me not to dry you because you want to run to daddy after having your shower. he'll yell "Noooooo" every time he hears you running from the toilet to the room but secretly, i know he loves it and he looks forward towards those moments because he knows they are fleeting. i know he will miss it someday, and that's why he tolerates it because you won't forever be his baby girl.





you have so much pent up energy, as most 2 year olds do, that you go insane upon learning that you can actually run at shopping complexes and shopping aisles. you'd scream and run and sometimes both at the same time. and you love it when daddy runs after you. sometimes i think that maybe we had a boy? and then you totally threw that out of the window when you start to painting your face with crayon, pretending you're putting on makeup. and how you'd twirl and twirl until you get vertigo the moment we put you in a dress. how you love bubbles and all things pink. and how you tell me times and again that you want really long hair, just like Rapunzel.




have i mentioned about your obsession with disney princesses? maybe i have (a few times), i don't remember, but it deserves another mention for as long as it has not gone away. i will put up with your obsession with princesses because i know, these moments too, are fleeting. before i know it, you'll get all boy-crazy and you move on to some miniature pop prince someday. that will be the day that i will get all crazy protective mommy mode, because having been a pre-pubescent teenage girl before (i know, it's hard to believe), i know that obsession with Jon from New Kids on the Block is the prelude to being crazy about that boy from the school down the block. and during my time, we didn't even have facebook and blackberries and shit.

oh, please help me God.





but that's still a long way down the road. so for now, i'll just take this in, enjoying every bit of moment being with you; playing with you; reading to you; watching disney cartoons over and over and over .. and over again; trying to lock you between my monster legs so i can tame and tie your crazy curls; hugging you; waking up to you slapping my face; smelling your hair and neck; you hugging my leg as i am washing your butt. these are the beautiful moments that make me know, the best thing about this life, is you.



Ilochi.
Mamma.


oh by the way, this was the first ever face you ever drew. i only thought you once how to do it, and now you're a regular picasso.

monthly letter : month twenty eight & twenty nine

Dear Arwen,



Forgive me sayang for missing your letter last month. so i'll try my best to condense this month's letter with a lot more stuff and story about what you've been doing for the past two months. i don't have a good memory (maybe onset of dementia but don't worry just yet as we don't have family history of nyanyukness) but i'm sure you have done a lot of memorable things that has kept us laughing and screaming and beaming with pride.



like, for example, a few days ago, in the car, you asked me about your lady parts, asking me if i had one, asking daddy if he has one. and when i said, no daddy doesn't have one, you got confused and asked "siapa ambik daddy punya pepet, mamma?". i laughed so hard, i may have peed my pants a bit. ok, then again, maybe you should worry about dementia.



you are really talkative. i bet you've heard that a lot from other people. but in case you've changed, let me just remind you that at two and a half, you talk incessantly. the best parts are when you'd appropriately quote from whatever cartoons you love. like, when you were so excited to follow Oma to JB last month, you refused to let me hug and kiss you, you'd push my face away and shreked "Hey! What are you doing in my swamp!". And when i made a mistake, you'd look at me sarcastically and quote Chip from Beauty & The Beast with "see! i told 'cha!" only yours sounded more like "see! i pon-ja!"



you've already reached the age that you can sit through a whole animated movie, and most importantly, other than Elmo. we count this as a blessing because, we can leave you for a longer time while you get entertained so we can get things done. but, the only thing is that, you wanna watch it over and over and over again. we'd sit through Shrek with you 4-5 times a day, and followed by beauty and the beast and little mermaid and lately, it's kung fu panda and madagascar. i'm starting to make you move on to Rapunzel since yesterday, so far it's working because you told Mo that you wanted "long, pink, no, yellow coloured hair"



you recognize almost all the disney princesses by look. when we raid through the bookstores and toy stores, you'd always pick the ones with either Belle, or Cindelella, or Pinchess Aladin (you don't know her name), A-yell from Little Mermaid, Snow White .. and now of course, Rapunzel. I think all girls these days grow up, having gone through the disney princess fanboy phase before they move on to Justine Bieber. During my time, we only had Little Mermaid and then New Kids on the Block. I am prepared for it all. Bieber or whatever, and all.



you're very much into playing pretend these days. and we love to entertain you, playing along with you, feeding your creativity and imagination. sometimes you'd carry a phantom baby around and you'd ask us to help you carry it because its' so heavy .. and we do and you'd tell us how to hold it properly with both hands lest it falls and break its bones. sometimes when we handle 'it' roughly, you'd scold us and asked why we push or throw the baby, and you'd nag that we're not suppose to do that and say "Naughty girl mamma ni. No! jangan campak baby, dosa tau!". yes, everything is 'dosa' to you these days - pushing you a bit is dosa. slurping soup noisily is also dosa. you're not sure who took away daddy's lady parts, but you're sure about dosa. you're a funny little girl, you know?



but, a few days ago, Oma told me that you were apparently talking to someone, playing pretend, and she asked you who you're playing with. and you said "tu. kawan arwen kat kerusi tu. kawan arwen hungry, oma!" .. that freaked her out a bit. honestly, if i was her, i think i'd freak out a lot. i mean, there's one thing about playing pretend that you're holding a balloon or a baby, but (seemingly) imaginary friends? that's scary.

8

last month you went to Singapore Zoo with Oma, Mo, Oni, Ochu, Aunty Hana, Aunty Ya and Uncle Dan. Mama and Daddy didn't come along cause we couldn't get any leave from work. you had the best time - looking and learning about the animals, riding an elephant, wondering if the tapir (or your word 'kapir') is wearing panties - such a fun time that you ended up puking all over Oma and the insides of Mo's car. nicely done, sayang. nicely done. luckily it's not daddy's car with all it's fabric interior.





your puking didn't stop there. you got sick earlier this month, puking all over me, daddy and the bed every hour till we finally ran out of bed sheets. you were so dehydrated that you fell into a fever. the doctor suspected it was food poisoning although we're not sure how you got it. i felt so bad for you that day. i hate it when you're sick because most of the time i feel so helpless. the only things i can do for you are to force medicine down your throat, hope that you'll get some sleep and just follow your every whims - like watching Shrek non stop. anything for you, baby. anything.



you're growing up to be such a girly girl. most of the time, you're more boy than i bargained for, but you have your girly moments. besides the obvious love for anything pink and princessy, you love to put and prance around in your tutu skirt, when oma and i get ready to go out or to work, you'd ask if you could play with our makeup brushes. when i put on my eyeliner, you'd ask if i could tattoo a butterfly and a balloon and an ilochi on your hand. in that order. you love to pretend that Oma's treadmill handle is the mike and stand and you'd sing, and sometimes ... pole dancing (?).



if you're gonna grow up being a total girly girl who gets easily attracted to anything shiny, or a lukewarm girl who hates skirts and anything pink - like me, what i want you to keep always is your sense of humour and the ability to laugh at yourself, your insatiable sense of wonder, your thirst for knowledge, your curiosity, your creativity, your loving, forgiving heart, your ability to think beyond the box of norm, your stubbornness headstrong-ness. your individuality and care-less about what people think. whoever, whatever you want to be, just stay you.





Ilochi,
Mamma.

monthly letter : month twenty seven

Dear Arwen,



Questions : how long are you gonna keep up the diva? will you always say you "merajuk!" every time we say no to you? will you always go look for Oma every time i try to discipline you? sometimes i wish you're boy, maybe it would make life easier, but seeing you, you're totally not a typical girl. so whatever i wish, you win.



my new colleagues and i were discussing about our future fears for growing up a girl. i know we havent reached the bridge yet, but i know, i have to think about it. i have to manage myself to manage you. especially at the rate the world is moving. who knows what kind of technology we will get by the time you're a teenager. of course i'm a bit scared.



but knowing you my dear girl, knowing what you are now give me some kind of reassurance about who you'll be when you grow up. you are stubborn and headstrong, i know this since you were in my womb, i hope that means you're gonna be a feisty, determined and confident woman who will dare to tell boys off and will not take no for an answer. you are fearless and ready to take on any challenge, even if that means that it's me you're challenging.



and when you want to try something new or something you know we will not approve, you will look at us as if asking if it's okay before you go ahead and do it anyway - it means that you respect and consider about the boundaries we've set, about what we think and feel, but will exercise your beautiful mind to make your independent choices. and when you go around the house asking if we are alright, if we are okay, even with the cats, and stopping me from spraying the ants with insecticide because apparently according to you, they're "Ya Allah Mamma! Comelnya ants tuu!", and when you went all emo and cried so hard when Elmo lost his blanket in Grouchland, it shows that you have so much love and compassion for all kinds of beings. even red furry pop-culture monster.



so yeah, i don't think i should be worried so much about what's to come. because i know you.

Ilochi
Mamma.

monthly letter : month twenty six

Dear Arwen,



you turned 26 months old about 3 days ago. quick, give me a kiss now because i manage to write, i mean 'tukis' you a letter within a week's time frame from your actual monthly birthday. what's the story behind 'tukis'? well, i don't know, maybe you'll grow up to be a lexicographer, maybe a writer, maybe a word-coiner trend-designer, or maybe just a regular speech blooper just like both your grandmothers, but at 26 months old, you can already make up your own words that actually make sense. 'Tukis' for example, you coined up because you were confuse between 'tulis' and 'lukis' hence, you say both. time saving, i know, right? ingenious!





we never babytalk to you because we believe in teaching you proper language. so there's no way you'll say words like "bambam" or "mamam" or "babab" but you have a creative way with coining up words like "i lo chi" and sometimes bilingual words such "bola-ball" and "umbaba-payung" that we let you use those words without correcting you and even play along with you because they so are uniquely you. especially "i lo chi" that has become a code word, an inside joke that's only used and understood by only everyone in the house. although lately, you've been saying "i love you" properly and i get torn up bit by bit every time you lose "i lo chi".





i still believe you're more art inclined than anything. your creativity, imagination and cognitive abilities astound me every day. you love playing pretend these days and i love to entertain you, even throwing you a few ideas. sometimes we'd make up games in the backseat of the car while daddy's driving to while the time away and keep you occupied. you love to play princess, that you'd put on your tutu skirt and a necklace as your tiara and danced around saying "Arwen Pinchess!". you also love to play doctor, lining all your stuffed friends on a bolster like a gurney and pulled them around, telling me that you're at a hospital that you're gonna check each and every one of them because they are sick and bleeding. i think Mo has really inspired you. or perhaps it's cause you've been watching all those hospital/medical dramas with me?





you love 'drawing' so much that we've gone through about 10 art blocks since you turned 2. when papers aren't enough, you'd draw on walls, cupboards, carpet, sofa and chairs. i had to repaint walls because i cannot stand it. this is not Elmo's World sayang, this is real world. And in real world, we do not draw on walls. well, unless you're a jobless delinquent, i mean graffiti artist. you used to be able to just doodle chicken scratches but since a few weeks ago, you could make actual shapes that sometimes look like a face, a very Picasso-inspired face. you see things we don't see like heads of ducks on our stove grates, or a chicken on a random shape made from a necklace. you're able to count up to 20 now, and know most of the colours in both English and Malay, and you recognize your name when we write ARWEN down on paper.





you're also able to feel compassion and empathy towards others, or maybe just Elmo. you cried when Elmo can't find his blanket, like as if he died. you cried when Elmo's eyes are droopy because he wants to go to sleep because you think he's going to die. although you find it amusing when Elmo falls down and you'd ask me to rewind the parts where he falls over and over again. i'm quite undecided what to make of you yet.





this month, November, will be a life-changing month. ok, maybe not so dramatic. it's a routine-changing month. Kak Su, one of your favourite persons in life, will be going home to Indonesia. She's been wonderful at helping taking care of you since you were 2 months old and her absence will be hard on all of us. i'm sure she will miss you as much as you'll miss her. Onyang will be taking care of you from on. I hope you'll behave more because i don't think Onyang can handle a robust, demanding and clingy toddler.





This month also, next Monday in fact, i'll be starting a new job in KL. It's a good opportunity with good perks but i'll have to give up on other perks like rolling out of bed with you at 8.00-8.30AM and going to the office after 9.00AM because now i have to wake up by 6.30AM so that i can catch the train by 7.30AM to reach my new job before 8.30AM. which means that i'll be waking up and out of the house before you wake up. I'll miss the times when you'll wake me up by slapping my face and peeling open my eyelids and shouting in one of my ears "Mamma! Wake up! Arwen nak milk dengan Elmo!". But i think, and hope that my new job will not require me to work too late too often so that i can make up for all those lost time with you in the morning.





I Lo Chi,
Mamma.

monthly letter : month twenty five

Dear Arwen,



I'm sorry i'm late writing you your monthly letter again. i'm gonna be honest with you, it just sortta slipped my mind. your mom is nyanyuk, you'll learn about this as you grow up. i planned to write you last weekend but i had to nurse a terrible migraine on saturday and food poisoning and fever all through monday. sorry again.



anyway, last month has been rather eventful for us. a few days after we've celebrated your second birthday, we took you to your very first concert. which is awesome for you coz the first concert i ever went to, i was 24. we learnt that Elmo and gang were coming to town and we just had to go, for you. we got you prepared a week prior to the day of the show, telling you that "from monday to friday, mamma and daddy will be working and on Saturday, we'll go see Elmo". you were so excited that you literally count the days leading up to Elmo. a phase that i didn't expect to last till this day. but at least. you learn about and know the days of the week that we're working and which days we're not. so far, you know only Monday and "Atter-day" (saturday, which will always be Elmo day to you).



you epitomized the meaning of the term pure joy the moment you saw Elmo on stage. You screamed his name like a fanboy and you jumped on your seat and yelling "Oh my goddd!! Arwen nak Elmo!!!". like i said, a fanboy. but it only lasted about 15 minutes before you get all bored and antsy in your seat and we had to guide you where and who to look at on that stage. the best part of it all when you told me you're "happiness". indeed you are, baby.



you remember quite a bit from the concert even though you didn't see much of it because you were busy watching other kids than the extraordinary flexible and overtly dramatic muppets. now, every time we ask you what you saw, you'd reminisce that you went to "Acemi-Cheet" (sesame street) and you saw Elmo, Otti-otter (cookie monster), Rosita, Grover as a police, Big Bird, Baby Bear, Zoe, Ernie, Bert, Telly and more. you recognized and remembered them all.



you also remember the parts you didnt watch, like when they were on a break and you asked me where Elmo went to, i had to make up a story that Elmo had to go drink and then the toilet to pee. yup, you recall even that. sorry i lied but you weren't taking "a break" as a realistic reason. i had to come up with something that made sense to you. for all we know, Elmo really did have to go take a pee. at least my reasons were not as bullshit as what your dad cooks up sometimes - like "put on your slippers on the cicak will climb up your leg and bite you" when you're walking around outside with no slippers on. i was going for "there's a lot of ants and you'll get bitten" which was true as there were a lot of fire ants. i was being realistic, but your dad was going for bedo'oh. (that's a Pekan word for bullshit in case anybody's wondering, which you and i both will learn more as we grow in this family. Pekan words i mean, not the bullshit. the bullshit we leave it up to daddy)



a week after the concert, you fell into a fever again and it was just a day or two before Raya. this year was your third raya since your birth and our second in Pekan with daddy's family. almost everyone was there and the place was packed. but you were sick so you were a bit cranky and clingy and you dont want anyone else but me or daddy with you, but since daddy was busy most of the time, you just wanted me. We left for Pekan at 3.30 am and reached there around 7. we slept in the car until 8 when you heard the crow of the rooster which immediately makes you hungry for chicken with rice and kicap. that's my girl. we johanabases only regard chicken as food, not animal.



you were so sick this raya that you were talking, and even crawling in your sleep. your aunts have even heard you commenting on how yummy the 'odang' is while you were sleeping. and you even crawled two comforter lots down because you were looking for Ti-Ya's blanket one night. i heard you crying for a blanket (because you were fighting with Ti-ya with hers) and i tried to fumble around, feeling for you and sat up when i couldn't find you. i immediately woke daddy up telling him i lost you only to find you wedged in between of Ti-Ya and Kak Hani's feet. i have no idea how you got so far, funny girl.




you were getting better the second day of raya, asking for frog with kicap and rice after you hear a choir of croaks. on the fourth day of raya, we went to Kuantan to visit daddy's aunts and to take you to the beach. It's starting to become a thing for us everytime we go to Kuantan. We're really blessed kid, because before you, the only times i get to go to a beach was when we plan for a beach or island holiday. we were back in pekan for a whole week and you were started to warm up to people towards the end of our trip. but even when you didn't mix around with people much during Raya, you've left an impact to a lot of them. some of them are even using your words in their conversations like "bolaball" and "i-lo-chi" and "nak mama!"



you're really talented too. some people would call you 'noisy' but i'm your mom and therefore i have to be positively bias and call it 'talent'. if you're not talking, you'll be crying. if you're not singing, you'll be screaming. if you're not running around, you'll be dancing. a day with you is like living in a full season of Glee. speaking of Glee, i think it's your favourite grownup show. your favourite song from it, which you sing ALL THE TIME is Empire State of Mind. You'd go "Newww Yooooorrrkkkkkk. Yeahh yeah yeahhh" .



i know i shouldn't be procrastinating on writing your letter this long because i've forgotten some of the cool stuff you've done in the past month. oh, but one thing that has really tugged my heartstrings was the time i asked you whose house we were going home to, and you said it was mine but i told you that it's not, i do not have my own house, that this house is Oma's. And then i asked if you could make me a house and you said, "boleh!". so you went upstairs, ran into the room, unloaded your 'Bego' (Lego) (no, it's actually megablocks) blocks across the room and built me a house. and you keep building me houses after houses ever since.



you'll grow up to be a really amazing person, Arwen.

I lo chi
Mamma.