the labour story. part deux.

(looonggggg overdue, i know. i'm sorry. but it has to be done for my keepsake, if it's not for anything else. so here goes)

this pregnancy was kind of unkind to me from the very beginning. from being so sick with nausea which resulted to me being hospitalized twice, to a breeched baby and placenta previa scare, to the possibility for a c-sect, i prayed for a smooth and easy delivery when the time comes. but i've got a baby who's fiery and defies all expectations so, when we decided to give him a name which bears the meaning "little fire" .. i can't really expect for smooth and easy, now can i?

NOOOOOOOOO.

i started to feel braxton hicks contractions from week 20-ish onwards but it was sporadic until i reached 35th week that i started to time it. by 35th week also, i've started to tell people that i WILL, not might, but WILL be giving birth in a couple of week's time, when i thought that i will be giving birth via c-section. then, at the unknowingly last check-up, we found out that the baby's is engaged and the placenta has moved up and i can hope for a vaginal delivery. when asked about the due date, the doctor said it could be on the 1st or 7th of October. but of course, i would not have any of that. i want to get over the pregnancy as quickly as i could. so by week 36th, i started to 'talk' (i even tweeted) to the baby, urging him to come out within the next week, when he's safe to come out. it worked when i was pregnant with Arwen so i was hoping this baby would listen too. even my boss prophesied that i'd deliver by the Malaysia Day week.

FRIDAY, 14th September 2012

i was busy all week prior to the delivery, finishing up on work and getting new assignments that i had to finish urgently coz everyone feared i would go into labour anytime soon. starting from thursday, i've started to feel my braxton hicks contractions at 15-20 mins apart. on friday, i took leave because the contractions were constant and predictable although it was pretty mild. i waited but it didn't progress. i had the sudden urge to undo and redo the baby's wardrobe. the last time that happened, i gave birth to Arwen the very next day.


SATURDAY, 15th September 2012

My braxton hicks were still pretty mild, but it was progressing with 10-minute intervals. i didn't do anything the whole day besides laying in bed and timing the contractions. i didn't really sleep because the contractions and anxiety kept me awake. other than that, the day went by uneventful. the husband had asked me a few times if i wanted to go see the doctor but i told him it's not time yet. i even told him that it's not painful yet.


SUNDAY, 16th September 2012

woke up in the morning, still getting mild contractions at 10 minutes apart. and i was hungry. so i told my husband i wanted nasi lemak and thought about Oldtown Kopitiam at Permata and figured we can drop by the baby store on the top floor above the restaurant for some baby shopping. but once we got into the car, we made a detour to go to Pappa Rich at Taman Melati instead. We reached there, ordered a hearty breakfast like as if it's gonna be my last breakfast ever, and even ordered something to take away for lunch at home.

by the time i had my 'dessert' of roti canai with banana and ice cream and milo dinosaur, i started to get rather shorter contraction intervals. 5 minutes apart this time. and i finally gave in, told the husband that i think we should go see the doctor now. so we got home, i stayed in the car while the husband dropped off the food we tapau. sempat lagi dia pergi berak dulu. once he's done, he rushed into the car, and i pointed that he forgot to close the door. i was like "i yang nak beranak you yang panic, apahal?". Ada je hal Ayis ni. Time Arwen dulu, kata "i rasa dah time nak beranak" dia dengar I kata "yang, jom masak".

about 5 minutes later, we reached Naluri Medical Centre in Wangsa Maju and went straight up to the delivery wards since the doctor's not in as it was a Sunday and a public holiday. the nurse did a little, by little i mean an invasive finger-rape, i mean probe, into my vagina to see how much i have opened. turns out, i have been in labour all these while and i have opened up to almost 2 cm. they called the doctor and she said i had to be warded. i know it's still mild and it's gonna be a while as they told me it's mild, so i asked if i could go home and go through the early phase in the comfort of my own bedroom. they weren't comfortable with it and told me to wait till the doctor comes in and check me.

around 4pm, the doctor finally came and she probed me once again and i'm already opened to about 3cm. my brother warned me against taking the air selusuh this soon for fear that i might feel the urge to push but not fully dilated. the doctor gave me the green light for a home leave and told me to come back after Isyak, or when the water broke / have a bloody show / any related problems, whichever comes first. she was even confident that i will be having this baby before midnight.

so we went home, ate the lunch we tapau, sat in bed and timed the contractions which were getting closer and much more painful. maybe i was too focussed on the contractions that i had not realize that the baby was not moving. just before Maghrib, we went back to the clinic and told the nurses about my paranoia. they strapped on the CTG belt on me and assured me the baby and my BP were just fine. so we went back up to my room on the 4th floor and waited it out.

a few minutes later, and after a really strong contraction, i felt wet down there. thinking it was my water leaking, i stood up and found some blood stains on the bed. it was not like the black blood stain i had when i was in early labour with Arwen. this was fresh blood. i panicked again. i called the nurses and they kept on telling me it's normal. maybe it's normal for them, they see this every day, but this is my second child and i had a different experience with the first, so to me, this is beyond normal. by the time i finished talking on the phone with the nurses, my husband saw me dripping blood onto the floor and he, who's even more anxious and panicky than me, told me that we should walk down to the wards straight to the nurses and have it checked out. i complied. i was in no position to melawan with anyone right now.

as i walked out of the room, i felt another contraction coming on so i leaned against the wall to brace for it. suddenly i felt something unplugged from somewhere down there and something wet and jello-like slid down my leg and onto the floor. i looked down and saw a piece of what i thought was my internal organ as big as the palm of my hand. it seriously looked like a piece of liver, or lean meat. i saw what mucus plug looked like when i was in labour with Arwen and this was definitely not mucus plug. that was, apparently, blood clot. yes, blood clot, AS BIG AS MY LIVER. i was dripping blood everywhere and when i reached the wards on the 2nd floor, i was checked again and was already dilated to 4cm. i was still leaking blood and had to be put in diapers. having a baby is very beautiful, indeed. ppfbt.

they gave me an enema and i went straight to the toilet. there, i 'gave birth' to yet another huge blood clot along with everything i ate prior to that. i was also starting to leak water together with all that blood. totally different from my experience with Arwen where the doctor had to forcefully puncture my water bag and let the whole delivery room flood with amniotic fluids.

by 9pm, i was in the delivery room already and i braced waves after waves of really intense contractions. ayis was by my side the whole time, reciting the quran. at one time, i caught him practicing the Azan for after the baby is out. i thought it was so funny that i had to laugh at him, in between clenching my teeth and everything else during the contractions.

MONDAY, 17th September 2012

by 11.30, i was opened to about 5cm and we have came to terms that the baby wont be a Malaysia Day baby as i have hoped for afterall. time moves rather weirdly during labour. one minute felt like forever but turns out, it was already past midnight. at this time, i could not take the contractions any more anymore so i decided for an epidural.

i know it's probably gonna burst our budget but i could not handle the contractions. it was too freaking painful. the anesthesiologist came in about an hour later and i remember her telling the nurses that she was sleepy and had to drag her son to drive her to the clinic at this ungodly hour. sleepy doctor who is about to poke my spine with a huge needle is something i rather not know at this moment but i was in too much pain to protest. i would've agreed to morphine or perhaps a bullet to the forehead if someone had offered.

after 3 trials of needle-poking into my spine, the epidural finally kicked in. but i think i had some complications coz my whole right side was in pins and needles. and i felt cold. i don't know if it was because of the aircond, or the midnight chill outside, or the epidural, or the fear i was having but i remember i was shivering. i felt the contractions but i did not have the pain. it was awesome. well, except for chills and the pins and needles lah. at almost 2am, my OBGYN came in and suddenly, i'm already ready to give birth. last time we checked 2 hours ago, i was only opened at 5cm and now i'm ready to push? awesome. let's go!

i had to push a few times more than i did with Arwen coz i could not hold my breath. i was even scolded by the doctor for sucking the baby back in. it's not like i can help it. i could not feel anything down there. finally, after a gruelling and painful labour of more than 8 hours, at 2.22 am, i heard the familiar but unfamiliar cry, and the doctor handed me my baby boy. i choked up a "Hi, sayang. I'm your Mama". Ayis had the honour of cutting the baby's cord this time. he didn't get the chance to with Arwen and when the doctor gave him the surgical scissors, he didn't know what to do with it.

it was beautiful. he is beautiful. the indescribable feeling of insurmountable happiness and inconsolable sadness, fear and hope, excitement and lethargy, torn and whole, love and even more love than i could possibly imagine i could ever feel all rolling into one hot, bloody, bipolar mess that i was on that delivery table - the exact same feeling i had when i had Arwen all came gushing back to me. kind of celestial, really. imagine watching the inception of the universe from the big bang to what it is today in 2 seconds flat.it was beautiful. overwhelming but beautiful.

Ayden was taken to be weighed and washed and I did not see him again until after i had a good rest. Ayden was small at birth, only 2.25 kg and i did not require any stitches down there, lucky me. the doctor even told me that it was just a light graze, like as if it was just a rug burn. just a scrape, can you believe it? but in all honesty, i would not even feel a thing even if she told me it was a huge tear.





i was left alone on the delivery table to rest until about 7 am. the whole time, i was still having pins and needles due to the epidural. then i was wheeled to my room upstairs and rested some more. i don't know what time it was when the nurse brought me my son but after i sent him back to the nursery for a diaper change, the whole family came to see us. the epidural needle on my back was another issue though. it was not pulled out immediately because of the complication, so i had to awkwardly sleep on my sides for the next 2 days until the pins and needles wore off.

now, my family is complete and i could not be more blessed than this. i cannot believe i am capable of giving another person my undivided, unencumbered, undying love after Arwen but now i know it is possible. i have done many things that make my parents un-proud, and i know i am unworthy of this much love and bliss but with every breath i take, i am thankful and grateful for these gifts.

Alhamdulillah.

updates

i'm coming into my 36th week, which means that i'm on labour watch starting now. rasa macam nak cepatkan lagi. tak larat already. tak larat nak bangun at 6 everyday pergi kerja, tak larat nak keluar rumah by 6.30 and sampai office before 7am. melangok je sorang-sorang. central aircond pun tak bukak lagi. check on FB and twitter, bumpwatch celebrities on the net and feel inadequate and lament on the fact that my pregnancy seems longer then theirs. (seriously, kejap je their bump besar and then beranak). sometimes, i siap boleh tido lagi sejam until work starts at 8.30.

some days, when i'm really tired and immovable, i'll doze off on my table around 11-ish, or 3-ish. kalau boss ada i tak tido lah, kurang ajar namanya tu. serious penat and sleepy. can't sleep well anymore now that the tummy is almost visible from space. one night last week, i woke up around 2.30 ish to pee and poop and i could not go back to sleep. i was having rather frequent Braxton Hicks, and it's everytime i coughed. and with the Braxton Hicks, i was having tummy cramps that made me purge. i didn't sleep until 7 something. had to ponteng work to sleep.

tossing and turning in bed is like a chore. i have to physically hold my tummy and carry it to one side first before i can move my entire body. my back from the shoulder down is killing me. to make it worse, the baby wont let me sleep on my sides. it's much more comfortable for both of us when i sleep on my back, but now that he's 2.5kg, that position is rather ridiculous for my spine. but despite that, people have pointed out that my tummy is not as big as when i was carrying Arwen around this time. i couldnt agree more. i rasa, with Arwen i had a lot of water retention. so much so that my feet grew 1 size bigger, they were so swollen i cannot even make a step without crying. i can't even wear my wedding ring. this time around, it's not as bad. i can still wear the ring. but i'm in fitflops most of the time so i'm not sure if my feet grew more.

oh! good news from the last checkup. the baby is engaged! he's turned around and is already in position for labour. and my (or is it the baby's) placenta has moved up a bit. turns out it was just type 1 - low-lying placenta preavia. it was probably the baby's breached position with his leg stomping on it like he's making placenta wine that made it penyek and seemingly ke bawah. now that he's turned around and left the placenta alone, it's ok. let's just hope he stays this way until delivery. a delivery we can now hope for a normal one instead of a c-sect. which means that i'll just have to leave it up to the baby when he's ready to come out. but i'm kinda coaxing him to not wait around for too long. with Arwen dulu pun, by the time we reached 37 weeks i was already telling her that it's ok if she wants to come early and guess what? she listened! that was just one of the times she listens to her mom lah. dah besar ni memang takde lah, kan?

i stll have not gotten around to write about Arwen's birthday celebration. malas betul nak ambik and edit the pics from my brother's camera. memang dah takde kudrat nak buat anything more than just lying in bed watching TV. Nasib baik now Arwen's big enough to go pee and wash herself after. Berak je I bangun to cuci her. kalau tak, penat you kejap kejap nak bangun! dahlah dia banyak kencing. bukan bapak dia tak tolong, but bila bapak dia tido, takkan nak kejut takat nak cebok anak. tappiiiiiii... dah ada new baby nanti memang i tak pedulik. dia kena bangun jugak! take turns to change and feed baby. but if the boobs work then feeding is all on me lah, kan? takleh macam dulu, i rasa cam taknak kejut pasal ye lah, kita cuti dia kerja so nak kena bangun awal kan? tapi sebab dah nyaris meroyan dulu, dia kena faham yang cuti bersalin tu bukan cuti namanya. serious lagi penat dari kerja. dengan tak tido, dengan sakit, dengan tak bestnya berpantang, dengan baby meragam tak tau apa dia nak.

but lucky, my mom will be around during the day this pantang. dulu i was mostly alone, my dad je yang tolong prepare breakfast. lunch pun kadang, roti je coz it was puasa time so memang susah lah nak cari makan. most time, my dad will be out leaving me alone with the baby. arwen was oklah, senang nak jaga. letak je atas badan, dia diam, tido. call lah mcdonalds ke apa yang senang. pantang tak serupa pantang. pasal tu boleh mengelat bukak fridge or minum air sejuk sukati je. lepas tu bila sakit sengal satu badan, menyesal tak sudah. now, my mom dah full-time pencen, tolong jaga Arwen. at least she's around the whole day to help me pantang for real this time.

she's not that strict lah when it comes to pantang. just as long as i drink what i'm supposed to be drinking to get better, she's ok with that. pakai shorts, tido dalam aircond pun ok je. takdelah sampai kena 24 jam kena pilis, bengkung, ikat rambut ketat-ketat cam nek kebayan, pakai kain batik dengan socks, jalan terkemut-kemut macam kabuki girls. my mom is moderately modern when it comes to confinement. not that i'm excited about being in confinement or anything, but i know it's not gonna be as bad.

baby stuff is almost done preparing. just a few more items like changing mat (coz i dont know where i kept the one i had with Arwen), formula milk on standby, diapers and wipes. my hospital bag is not prepared yet, though. maybe because i still have to wear some of the stuff that i'm planning to pack. but i will have to get around to do it soon, now that i'm on labour watch. i dont know when i'll be in labour, it could be anytime from now so i best get everything prepared.

my brother's KL reception is on the 22nd and Arwen's got her first school concert show on the 30th where she's the leader and she has to introduce her class' number. i hope i won't be in labour on these dates. if in between takpe, just not during the events coz that would be very dramatic and the last thing i want is to steal anyone's thunder by screaming "oh my god, my water broke!"  

nama baby pun dah sort of finalized. biarpun my brothers tak berapa nak berkenan dengan the name but ultimately, siapa lagi important? THE MOM WHO CARRIED HIM FOR ALMOST 40 WEEKS AND PUSHED HIM OUT THROUGH HER VAGINA (hopefully), kan? but yeah, we're gonna have to wait and look at the baby's face for the first time nanti baru boleh know which name suits him more. kinda like i did with Arwen. we had a few first names on standby but once i saw her face, i could tell she's kind of an Aryanna. 'Arwen' was already predetermined from the moment we knew she's a girl. With this one, the second name is already a given as my husband, whose name is Azrin Haris, wants 'Haris' for his son. we had discussed about this on our first pregnancy lagi. now that we know it's a boy. 99% sure as we saw the pointy bit of his thing proudly displayed where my husband said "macam tu laaa anak Deidi!". so we only had to think of the first name. At first we kinda wanted Hayden Haris. but Hayden doesnt carry any significant meaning, so i was inclined towards Ayden, which means 'little fire/fiery" and it's a name, although different spelling variations, means the same in Greek, Gaelic, even Arabic. i realize it's a pretty common name in these 2 years but i love how it rolls on the tongue - Ayden Haris. and it kinda rings well when paired with his sister's name - Arwen & Ayden. nak marah dua-dua pun sedap gak nak jerit.

but my brother is kinda adamant, if not really pushy, about naming his nephew Avenger Haris. but he'll settle for Aven Haris. at first i was kinda "hmmm... that's a nice name" until a few days later, practising with the name, it started sounding like Avent. yup, the baby bottle brand. so, yeah, i scrapped it off. although now, Arwen's been telling people that her brother's name is Aven.

i think that's all the update i have for now. i'm just leaving it up to baby and Allah and praying for an early-but-not-too-early and smooth delivery.

finally nesting

so yeah, we finally got around to nesting, right after raya, as promised (sortta made a promise on twitter that i would). went to ikea after raya to get a new cot and mattress and new beddings, for the baby's bed and ours. we also got some boxes to put on our already available shelves to store the baby's clothes. until the husband realize that it's so kesian for our baby boy to have his clothes and things in boxes rather than actual drawers like his sister have. so he went to ikea again to get a new drawer for the baby, along with some compartments to organize all the small stuff (pictured above) in like socks & booties (which we almost never use. i prefer actual socks), mittens (pakai sebulan je normally, until i've summoned enough courage to trim the baby nails), bibs, napkins for drool, beanies (tak pakai pun tapi it came with the onesies set so letak je lah), burp cloth, bengkung, a bankie with teether that Arwen never used, some swaddle wraps, etc.

the middle drawer is where i store all the clothes. i thought Arwen had mostly pink / girly onesies but it turns out that she also had a lot of items that her brother can wear again. Alhamdulillah. no wonder i was having a hard time explaining to people that Arwen's a girl when she was an infant. it was because she was wearing a lot of gender-neutral clothes. i was prepared to go get some new clothes for baby boy but i think it's sufficient until he reaches 4 months old. then we have to get some new clothes because then Arwen has started to wear a lot of pinks and girly stuff. but i did already get new somethings for the baby like his bring-home clothes after the delivery, and a few cute blue onesies and socks. it's just fair, right?

and my brother just got us a new stroller. Arwen's old pink SCR1 is pink, and wobbly and we know we needed a new one for the baby. Ayis was looking at a complete travel set, one that has the bucket seat which we can makeshift into a car seat for the time being. Arwen was never put in a car seat when she was an infant so by the time she was able to seat on the maxi-cozi toddler seat Ayis' cousin lent us, she didn't want to coz she rather sit on my lap. and i hated her fussing about in that car seat and it made me nauseous so i gave in and just put her on my lap. and then we got unexpected news that we might have to go for a c-sect and that basically burst his budget for the stroller. we put that in the back-burner and just thought that we'd just use the baby bjorn that my brother got for us to babywear Arwen.

with Arwen, the baby bjorn only lasted about till she's only just 6 months because she was already too heavy for us to wear. and by the time we put her in a stroller, she was fussing about uncomfortably. which is why we wanted to just put the baby in the stroller from the get-go so that he'll be used sitting in there and be pushed around. and i wanted something that can be rearward facing coz it's much more convenient to watch the baby that way.

anyway, with the news, and budget burst, we have to rethink about the stroller. until my very generous brother whose satisfaction in life is to spoil the shit out of his niece(s) and nephew(s) *should he has more in the future, not from us, NOOOOOOOOO. but from my newly wed brother. speaking of whom, i need to write about the wedding in langkawi but i digress. i always digress* said that he'd gift to us the stroller. so one day, on Arwen's birthday (which i also need to blog about, eventually), he brought home a Quinny Buzz with the maxi-cosi bucket seat. one of my dream stroller. Alhamdulillah. Thank you, Falie. but considering that this will probably be our last baby (if i can help it), it seems a little excessive thing to have, right? which means that we're gonna have to be careful with it so we can hand-down to our niece/nephew, InsyaAllah. now i cannot wait to deliver and get over with with my  confinement so we can take the baby out shopping in the dream stroller. first place i wanna go to, H&M. have you checked out the kids & baby clothes on the website yet? omg. oh, i'd probably not take the Buzz to KLCC coz that will suck.

again, i digress.

there are still some baby & mom essentials that we need to get. i know i've made a list but now i dont know where i've placed it. hmmm. i know i need to get a set of new toiletries, new bottles and warmer - probably a new sterilizer in case the new bottles don't fit into Arwen's existing one as we plan to get Tommee Tippee bottles now whereas Arwen's using Avent. yup, she still not weaned off her bottles and i'm fighting a losing battle because i'm a wuss. we might also need to invest in a good breast pump and other breastfeeding essentials. we need to see if the boobs work first as the last time, they were HUGE disappointments, so we'll see how it goes.  

i'll make a new complete checklist that will probably be not really THAT complete and share it so other new mums can use it in the future, yeah?

yet another scare

we went for our checkup last friday, now that it's every fortnightly, and found out that baby is still in a breeched position, which is not good considering that i am already at my 34th week of pregnancy. to make it even more alarming, the doctor found out that the placenta is now worryingly low-lying. she didn't exactly say it was placenta preavia but i know what 'uri turun' means. she didn't really say what type of placenta preavia i'm having, whether it's partial or total, but she did tell me that there's a slim chance for the baby to turn around and big possibility for us to have to go for a caesarian section - my biggest fear. hearing that has made me lose sleep over the past few days. not that i was sleeping that well anyway.

it's not that i'm worried about a c-sect because i know there's probably a plus side to an operation such as totally not having to go through the hours of labour. but it's more disappointment than anything really. yeah, it's because i have gone through a normal birth with Arwen, without epidural and i felt EVERYTHING. i was, i mean am, proud of that. it's one of my hugest achievements in life. so for me, having to go for a c-sect is like a step back. kinda makes me feel like a wuss. (no offence, people who went for c-sect. i know some of you might not have a choice but i know some women who choose to have a c-sect because they do not want to go through labour pains and stretch their vagina). i know it's not like i have that much of a choice, considering my circumstances. even if the baby miraculously turn around and engage normally just in time for delivery, if the placenta is obstructing his birth canal, i still have to have an operation.

i'm also rather disappointed because now we have to fork out more money for the delivery than expected. i was kinda hanging on to a normal childbirth because it's much more economical. with Arwen, we only paid RM1500 for the delivery, including a single room, believe it or not. now, it's triple that amount if there's no other surprises arise within now and the impending delivery.

i'm also feeling rather helpless because there's nothing much i can do to change or control the situation other than praying and hoping for the best. but yeah, i'm slowly coming to terms with the decision i have no choice over. if a c-sect is needed, then c-sect we will have. as long as the baby comes out safe and sound, Insya'Allah. we'll have another appointment on the 7th. if there's still no changes, we'll schedule a date for the delivery, maybe sometime end of September after i've reached the safe point of 37 weeks.

in the mean time, i just have to remind myself (and other people around me) to take it easy and have plenty of rest and not to strain myself in any way for fear i'd bleed and have to be on bedrest for the rest of the month. i know it's not the end of the world, and other moms have gone through worse than me .. but pray with me, okay?  

quite a scare

we went for our scheduled checkup last saturday, unassuming and thinking everything is ok. checked my urine, seems ok, checked my weight, tak naik satu kilo pun from 3 weeks ago. puasa, maybe. padahal selalu na ponteng puasa. then during the ultrasound, doctor found out the baby's breeched. his head is just under my right ribcage and legs have been doing the jig on my bladder and his arms have been suckerpunching my left side. his weight has gone up to 2.1kg (estimate) and his according to calculation, he's 32 weeks. which is a week ahead so i'm still anticipating the delivery will be around end of September, or very early october.

i asked the doctor if there's any way to help the baby turn back into his expected position but the doctor assured me to just wait and let him turn himself back around. there's still plenty of space and time for him to turn. i never had this scare with Arwen before so it obviously sent me into a panic. i do not want a ceasarean so i'm praying hard the baby will turn in time. we have another checkup after raya so we'll see what happens then.

then yesterday, i was lying down after folding 4 loads of laundry to ease my backpain and arwen was playing around me and doing what she does, which is definitely NOT SITTING QUIETLY PLAYING WITH TOYS OR WATCHING CARTOONS. instead of walking around me, she decided to just walk over my tummy to cross. for some reason, she suddenly stopped and accidently sat on my tummy. it was probably just an accident, and that she didn't mean to, that she was bracing herself for a fall and just so happen my tummy is there to cushion her butt. but yeah, she sat hard on her baby brother. of course, i had another bout of panic because HELLO? a 17kg person suddenly just plonking her butt on a 30+ week pregnant tummy? of course it's painful and scary.

so i was fuming with rage, winching in pain and crying of fear and i just left her dad to deal with her. because if it's left to me, she won't be taking to me for days. so i rubbed my belly, talked to the baby and asked him to move just to know that he's ok in there. he moved, a lot, thank god. but not entirely satisfied, i put on the doppler to check and listen to his heartbeat. it took a while to find it which further fed my panic but i finally found it and it sounded strong and looks good. so yeah, we're ok. not even a sore.

Arwen of course, after the storm of rage subsided and she had her nap, felt the ultimate guilt. too much guilt for an almost 4 year old to contain, i think. without even being asked to, she rubbed my tummy, told me she's sorry and told her unborn baby brother how sorry she is for sitting on him and that she didn't mean to and she will never ever do it again. then she kissed it.

i mean, people, i cried. of course i cried. what she did then was so humbling and heart-warming. i mean, she hasn't really fully grasp that what i have in my tummy, something she cannot see or comprehend how it got there, is another person. yet she's already treating him like another human being, like family, like a brother. i cannot wait to deliver this baby so i can see how big-sisterly Arwen will be.

       

29 weeks and the countdown begins...

i actually wanted to blog about my brother's wedding and our holiday in langkawi but macam cerita basi lah pulak. ok, fine, honestly, i'm incredibly malas to write anything right now, hence the serious lack of updates. also, been microblogging having thought diarrhoea in less than 140 characters on twitter so i feel like i've said things out already.



that's baby's face at 24 something weeks.

i'm in my 29th week now, or starting my 30th week. i prefer to jump ahead one week. so yeah, let's make it 30th week. which means that i have about 10 or so weeks left to go. i'm anxiously but rather happily counting down to delivery. i am scared. i mean which pregnant lady isn't, right? but on the other hand, i cannot wait to get this over with.

i know i'm supposed to enjoy this pregnancy as much as i can as it might be my last (as according to MY plan but who knows what the All-Mighty have in store for us in the future) but i will be honest, i hate being pregnant. ada time memang best lah, the magical feeling that only moms are able to experience - you know, the surreal movements, the sharp jab under the ribs, the weird misshapen tummy when the baby shifts its position, the sudden cramps that lets you know he's definitely in there, the ability to wear whatever without having other people puke just by looking at your jiggly tummy fat because it's all huge and tout and cute. that's all magical, yes.

but what i hate about it is the heartburn, the puking, the headaches, the leg cramps, the constipation, the haemorrhoid, the leg cramps, the sleepless nights, the awkward waddle, the heaviness, the bloatedness, the forgetfulness, the draining of energy and brain power, the backaches, the boobaches, the sense of helplessness, the breathlessness, the swollen legs, all the sighing .. if i have gone through at least one pregnancy without all that, i'd be happy to get pregnant again the hour after i've given birth to the last one's placenta.

i'm still bipolar about the delivery as i was with the first pregnancy around this time. one minute i am anxious that my heart palpitates right out of my throat. the other minute i'm nervous because i have not even started nesting for the little boy yet. i mean, if he comes out now, he'll have to wear hand-me-downs including the pink ones we kept of Arwen's, and he'll just have to co-sleep with all the 3 of us on a queen-size bed because we have not bought a cot yet, and we'll just have to learn to feed straight from boob (because the boobs failed to work the first time) coz we have not even bought new bottles yet, and his hand-me-down clothes will just have to come out straight from the hand-me-down bin coz we don't even have a cupboard/drawer for him yet. that's how unprepared we are. maybe it's the second-child syndrome parents get - that we all go gung-ho about the first one because it's Baby Beta and we don't mind much when it comes to the next ones? or perhaps, i'm just too lazy.

while i'm already technically listing down the preparation for the new baby, i might just as well point out here (in case i totally forgot about it later in the midst of scurrying for preparations at the last minute) that we also need to look at buying a new stroller since Arwen's old one was pink and the wheels have gone wobbly. and no baby boy of mine will come within an inch of anything pink, at least not if i can help it. actually we don't need to buy much new stuff with the baby anyway so we'll probably start shopping for baby after Raya.

i hope by then i still have some of my bonus money left.

week 22

i'm already at my 22nd week of pregnancy. photos were taken off of my brother's instagram. it has been awesome for the past few weeks, gaining back my appetite, being able to go to work and actually do work, laugh a bit more, having cravings, and not puking. until this morning. my tummy has grown but somehow my colleagues keep on pointing out that i am barely showing. i don't know if i should take that as a compliment or what. the baby has been busy kicking up a storm in there. sometimes i find myself purposely sit in an uncomfortable position (for him) so that i can feel his kicks.

Arwen has been able to feel the baby move and she's so ecstatic and amazed by it all. she saw the remote control i put on my tummy jerk and immediately thinks that her brother has super powers. she's into that weird phase right now. between believing in princesses and superheroes. and still figuring the boys-girls role while planning for her own wedding in the midst of it all. yup, she's too mature for her age. i promise i wont stereotype gender-specific roles for her, except for times she wants to go to the toilet and also how she should sit properly while wearing a skirt or a dress. but if she wants to be a sword wielding, zombie annihilating, superpower unleashing, magic concocting, rubber horse riding princess in a blue dress with a tiara, fairy wings, silver glittered shoes and pink nailpolish, and calling out "aye, aye, captain!" when i call for her - that's exactly who she'll be. despite all that confusion, she's gonna be a wonderful teacher-rolemodel-leader for her brother, i'm sure.

on a separate note, tomorrow we'll be off to langkawi for my brother's wedding and a babymoon - if i can call it that. bags are packed, executive taxi booked, hotel booked, only the cats are left to be left for boarding. though i wont promise but i will be posting and instagramming photos of the wedding and our vacation.

i'm sorry for being so blah but keeping up with this blog has been boring and i'm just not really in the mood to write or do anything but sleep all day long. i don't even download stuff on the net anymore because it's so life-consuming.

Also known as Avenger Haris Johanabas

I'm at my 20 weeks pregnancy, which means we're halfway through the gestation. hopefully this baby will come out earlier than its EDD just like Arwen, because honestly, i don't think i can go all 40 weeks and more.

we had a check up earlier this month when the doctor blurted out the sex of the baby without warning or asking if i wanted to know. the husband was not there during the ultrasound coz he had a car breakdown after he almost got into an accident that evening. so i was there alone, with cold goo on my tummy, looking at the screen where my baby is moving like mad and all of a sudden, the doctor said "OH! YOU'RE HAVING A BOY!". i was "wait, what?A boy? where?". then she prodded around again looking for that penis she saw to show me and couldn't find it. "It was there. Well, you just have to trust me. I saw the head of the penis." but i was sceptical. i mean, yeah i know she's seen and done millions of ultrasounds to know what she's talking about but i have to see it with my own eyes too before i start planning for a circumcision kenduri. and she said "it's 70% positive that its a boy". so now, we're looking into 70% boys name and cutting down girls name to 30%.  

so far, our baby has been busy moving around.around 14-15 weeks, i have started to feel its flutterings but now at 20 weeks, soft thuds can be felt from the outside of my tummy, if i paused my breathing and really concentrate. see, i already have a thick pooch of fat post-arwen so to feel the movement from outside at this time, is telling me that the force is strong with this one. it's also telling me that if Arwen's any indication, this one will be more a handful when he starts to walk, so help me God.

that's why i think he needs a fiery name. a very strong name. so, for now, we're calling him Avenger Haris.

pregnancy updates

Thank you all with the kind thoughts and well wishes in here, FB and twitter over the past weeks. really appreciate it. i know there's nothing much anybody can say or do to help me, even my own husband is helpless and clueless, but by not being smart asses and give me unsolicited advice to keep calm and think happy thoughts, trust me, you're doing a lot for me already. so thanks for that.

when i pregnant the first time, it was my pet peeve when people, especially guys, try to give me their 2 cents about pregnancy, without me asking for it. i found out, it still is a pet peeve. when i was at the peak of my puking phase, when i was puking more than 12 times a day, a guy in my office told me that the reason i was puking so much is my body's way of getting rid of all the toxic from the junk i ate pre-pregnancy. in my head i went all screaming crazy in spanish like Sofia Vergara. in my head lah.

i've reached my 13+ weeks already and have started to show a bit. i have been showing very early this time around. as early as 9 weeks. but i already have a pooch to begin with, you know, where i store all the toxic from all the junk i ate before i got pregnant, by my uterus and my 5-7kg sudden weight drop kinda pushed the pooch a little bit more forward, earlier than it's intended to. with arwen, i was only really showing when i turned 16 weeks.

Belly Gallery : 9+ weeks

although now the puking has slowly subsided and getting lesser in a day, i'm still not quite out of it yet. some days, if i'm lucky, i dont puke. some days, i puke just once or twice but there are still days i puke more than 5 times in one hour. i got admitted again for fluids a few of weeks ago. 2nd time in a matter of 20 days. i reached the office on Monday morning, feeling lightheaded to begin with but figured i could blaze through it. the moment i stepped out of the lift to tag in at the front door, i just went blank and dropped. i came to a few seconds, maybe minutes later with the voices of some polis bantuan and kakak cleaner in my head. one of the kakak cleaner membebel at me for not eating something in the morning like as if she's my mother. i walked slowly to my office which is jauh gila, like 200m away from the front door where i fainted, called my husband and told him to pick me up from the office and take me to the clinic. i know i must admit myself to pints and pints of fluids again. there's no ifs, ands or buts about it.

on a brighter news, i have started feeling the flutters of baby in my tummy, especially when i've been sitting too long or when i suddenly take something really cold. the flutterings are much more pronounced in the morning and in the evening. oh, we saw baby moved a lot on our last checkup earlier this month. the baby was kicking so much that it looks like he/she was trying to run out of my tummy, he/she was and turning about and waving his/her hands. so cute. the doctor even commented that the baby was 'bersilat' in my tummy. we also got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. very good, very strong. times like these, seeing and feeling the baby moves makes all the puking just sort of worth it. SORT OF.

Baby at 10+ weeks

round two. here we go again.

so, good news. i'm pregnant again. we've been planning for this since last year so alhamdulillah, our prayers have come true.

i've gotten to know about this pregnancy this time around from early on. i can instinctively tell that i am pregnant because my boobs were sore like mad and none of my office pants fit around the waist anymore. my last period was the day before christmas and although i did have some bleeding and cramps around the end of Jan, the day before i was supposed to leave for a leadership programme in Gopeng, which i though was period, turns out to be maybe just implantation bleeding because the days after that, there were only cramps and no blood.

so i bought the pregnancy test during lunch at work, waited for the need to go to the toilet to pee but there was no pee. my colleague urged me to drink but i didn't have any pee in me until the next morning. i know! i tested on one stick and the second pink line was a bit vague so i peed on another stick and waited. both sticks now presented 2 pink lines. i'm pregnant. woohoo.

got out of the shower and first one i broke the news to was my mom coz she was just there. and then i called my husband who was a bit blur about the whole thing to be honest. like as if he had no idea that he put sperm in my womb all these times and ... "what? really? pregnant?" i was like, "We both wanted this. Together. Right? Don't make me accidently smack you in the head with my huge painful boobs now."

on saturday, two weeks ago, 11th i think it was, we went to see a doctor and had a scan. she said i am pregnant but it's only about 4 weeks so she sent me off with packs of hormones and folic acid and told me to come back in a couple of weeks to see the progress and determine the EDD.

i patiently waited 2 weeks to break the news to the world and it was hard. but the husband had a different idea. he said, good news cannot wait to be told. he doesn't get how people (I) want to keep good news while we'll be the first ones to blab when it comes to gossips and spreading lies and rumours. well, yeah, he makes a lot of sense. but we're talking about a 4 week old ... it's not even a fetus yet. i mean, anything can happen, right?

i've started the nausea and puking around last week. a few days before the scheduled checkup. that's when i figured that i'd better tell the office and my boss about it before it gets worse. at least they can understand if i have to suddenly rush out of a meeting to another personal meeting with the toilet bowl.

last saturday, we went to the checkup in the morning where the doctor scanned me again and we saw flickering heartbeats! i love ultrasounds. so the doctor measured the little nub and she estimated the baby to be at 7 weeks old which makes my EDD 15th of October. if this is like Arwen, it could be earlier.

so far, all my early pregnancy symptoms are similar to when i was carrying arwen. i've been nauseas all day, i cannot eat anything spicy and with strong flavours, i'd puke at odd times all day. on good days it could just be 2-3 times but so far my bad days could lead up to 10 puke sessions which means i throw out everything i eat or drink. i also sneeze twice at once which is annoying. but alhamdulillah, so far, i can shower, brush my teeth and shampoo without immediately having my head stuck halfway into a toilet bowl. and i can handle perfumes and cologne. i just cannot handle the smell of cooking, especially when someone deep fries a fish.

arwen has been giving out 'signs' that she 'can tell' from early on, before i even found out. like, she'd voluntarily sleep with Oma than with us few nights in a row. We have also told her about the baby in my tummy lest she jumps on it. she's been receptive. a bit clingy and mengada than usual, but receptive. she understands that she needs to help me out with things when the baby comes. she'd talk to my tummy too sometimes telling the baby that it's cute.

she doesn't yet understand that the baby is still small and that it will take a while till it grows. she doesn't understand how it got there. right now she thinks that magic has probably something to do with it. she doesn't understand why i need to puke all the time, or why i scream in pain when she tries to rest her head on my chest. i will tell her why and how someday.but for now, i just want her to understand that we're giving her and the baby a lifetime of comfort and pain, understanding and grudge, friendship and family that comes from having siblings. i just think that Arwen would make an awesome big sister, more that what i have been to my brothers. somebody deserves a big sis like her. this baby will be blessed.

my first, my everything

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED?
honestly, i thought i'd waited it out till at least a year, get our life in order, learn how to live with each other, or at least go on a honeymoon before we even think about having a baby. tak sempat semua tu. first try dah lekat. hah! no regrets or anything. i am blessed. because i know couples who've been trying for years but still no rezeki. and also given my history of severe period pains and ovarian cysts, never thought it'd happen so fast. but alhamdulillah.

2. WHAT WAS YOUR SECOND CHOICE NAME OR OPPOSITE GENDER NAME?
Aryanna Arwen Johanabas was the second choice, actually. initially, we wanted to put Arissa Arwen Johanabas because the husband's name ada 'Haris' but Aryanna won the toss. maybe the next one, if its a girl. (ceh boleh lagi nak fikir next one lagi tu!). If Arwen was a boy, it would've been Aaryan Haris Johanabas.

3. WHAT WERE YOUR FIRST REACTIONS?
total disbelieve, like .. how the heck did this happen? and then i freaked out, and i smiled, and got freaked out again, and i don't know .... i wasn't really sure how i should be feeling then. happy only came much later, after the reality sunk in.

4. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
i just turned 28 then.

5. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
i felt sick, like i was coming down with flu or something. felt tired all the time. then i started craving for sushi, Inari specifically. i sort of had this instinct that maybe i could be pregnant. i didn't rely on my period because i know how irregular they can be. so i googled the symptoms on the net, and with gaping mouth, i mentally ticked on almost all that are listed. told my husband. and the next day, i bought the pregnancy test and peed on it in the toilet in the office. at 9.30 am. yes, i even remembered the time.

6. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
it wasn't my husband. because i couldn't get him. i YM, i called and he didnt answer. and blabber mouthed wanker that i am, desperately needed to tell someone or i'll burst like sparkly colourful confettis, so i told bob and sonia, my colleuges.

7. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
yeah! so i know what kind of stuff to get for him/her for preparation.

8. DUE DATE?
due date was 10 or 11 september 2008. yes, in the middle of the fasting month.

9. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
ah, only for the first 8 months of it. you can ask my husband. he's the one who cleaned up most of it anyway. heh.

10. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
depends. it changed everyday. from messy roadside ramlee burger to juicy cempedak goreng. but never anything healthy. the first thing i craved for was rainbow paddle pop ice cream that's so rare to find. the only craving that wasn't fulfilled was Portuguese egg tart. people say that's why Arwen is drooling nonstop.

11. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST?
i tried not to hate anyone and i think my threshold of tolerance towards people was at its peak when i was pregnant. i was really agreeable, kind and friendly. very unlike me. and i didnt talk much. maybe because i knew i had puke breath so i didn't dare to open my mouth. as for things .. i couldn't smell anything nice at first. shampoo, soap, perfume, cologne, air fresheners, food.. all made me sick. and during my pregnancy, i couldn't eat curry. any curry. i hated it even more when it came out. can you imagine the pain of having semi-digested, spicy, oily curry coming out through your nose when you puke?

12. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX?
girl. although people keep on mistaking her for a boy.

13. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX ?
maybe when she turns 15 and boys start to call the house looking for her.

14. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
i lost 4kg before i reached the 3rd trimester, due to all the puking. but gained 20 more after that. now i need to lose about 75 kg - the equivalent of godzilla's left toe. i want to look like one of the olsen twins, the one with the eating disorder.

15. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
somebody wanted to throw me one. but i told them, wait till i know the baby's sex. but once i knew, i didn't want to have it.

16. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
only the constant puking, the sleep deprivation, swollen everything, hormotional issues, inability to wash hair every alternate days and thus suffering from limp hair with hormonal grease, and sciatica - you know, the normal thing that happens to every woman growing a human being inside of her.

17. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Kohilal Medical Centre (its a humble clinic with some of the most friendliest doctors and staff)

18. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
i was in pain at about 5 am only i didn't know that that was labour pain. coz it felt like i was having period cramps and food poisoning at the same time. you know - like you were going to puke and poop and fart and die all at once.

by 7 am i saw some stains on my bed (i didnt wear panties to sleep during the last weeks of my pregnancy because it only gets in the way of me having to pee every 30 minutes or so - and also because i had an embarrassing situation once where i pull up my kaftan and forgot to pull down my panties and just sat on the toilet to pee. very charming, indeed)

.. and then i walked down the stairs alone, stopping mid flight to catch my breath and bear the cramps that were getting stronger. told my husband that i think we're having this baby and he thought i said i was going to cook breakfast. once he realized what i truly meant by 'baby. hospital. now!', we woke my mom and went to the clinic.

got warded around 8.30 where i was told that i was already open at 5 cm ... and 5 hours and waves after waves of pain later, i was officially a mother. all in all i think it was about 8 hours. and that's all you wanted to know, right? well, you know me .. can never give a straight answer.

actually, i couldve just let you read it here. but it was nice to reminisce.

19. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
the husband. luckily it was only 5 minutes away.

20. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
1 doctor, 1 nurse, 2 midwives, 1 husband, 1 brother. small delivery room. imagine.

21. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION?
natural

22. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
i dont know, the doctor poked a needle in my butt saying it was to manage the pain. but i felt everything. EVERYTHING! i even felt the outline of the shape of her face as she breached out. the forehead, the nose, the chin ... everything! very surreal. a few minutes later, i passed out. i think that was the painkiller kicked in too little too late.

23. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
2.85 kg

24. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN ?
31st August 2008 at 1.38 pm

25. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Aryanna Arwen Johanabas binti Azrin Haris

26. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
5 months. 1 week. 6 days old

27. WOULD YOU DO IT AGAIN?
err ... (like what my friend nash said once) maybe i'll wait until she can wash her own ass.

long overdue

this post, i mean. not the delivery. i had an early delivery afterall. about 10 days in advance. she actually listens to me, the baby. im such a lucky mom. mom. wow, im officially a mom!

let me tell you how that happened.

FRIDAY, 29 AUGUST 2008

i was getting pretty anxious but somewhat zenned to the fact that this baby won’t be coming out this month, as i’ve hoped for. she’s probably gonna come out later than her due date which was supposed to be Sept 11. people have told me that first babies usually will take their own sweet time, especially if you’re expecting a girl.

i even told my husband and brother that i was actually thinking about inducement if this baby doesn’t come out by sunday. because, i thought i might save almost two weeks of unpaid leave, and also because i want the baby and me to be ready for a long journeys to pekan and jb for raya. but naturally, everyone was against that atrocious idea, especially my brother falie, the doctor. so i waited some more.

by night i was having regular and painful contractions. this time it felt like the real thing. very much unlike period pain. these, started from the back and radiates to the front and numbs my whole leg. so i tried to bear through it the whole night. didn’t think i slept. so i waited till morning as we had a scheduled checkup with the doctor.


SATURDAY, 30 AUGUST 2008

bumped into jack & gina at the ATM at Petronas near my house. jack asked when i'm due. "anytime now" i said, believing that i am maybe, keeping hopes up, having this baby in the next hour. and then off i went to see the doctor.

when the doctor checked and broke the disappointing news that i’m not even a millimeter dilated, hopes were crushed and i went back home feeling down. but she did advise us to try and have sex if i want to spike the labor process. the husband was of course, after more than full 8 months being denied sex (kesian), was beaming with delight with that idea.

that evening, we headed down to KLCC to do some last minute shopping. to look for maternity bras. i thought i’d waited it out till my boobs are actually filled with milk but then again i figured i wouldn’t have time to do it once the baby came out. so i went to triumph at iSetan and got the biggest sized maternity bra they had. only because LaSenza didn’t carry the size for real women with real boobs made for nursing baby. it was a shame, because they were selling pretty nice ones for RM126 – and 2 for the price of one. and they had them in black.

SUNDAY, 31 AUGUST 2008

at 5 am, and no, we didn't have sex (because i was too tired from walking around KLCC), labour contractions began. actually, after so many false alarms, i didn’t really think it was real labour pains. i thought i just had an upset stomach. maybe from the slightly uncooked shrimp on the marinara i had at KLCC that evening. it felt like the pain you get from food poisoning on your first day of period. like you’re about to fart and crap and puke and die at the same time.

i was practically on my hands and knees on the bed, walked around, doing squatting exercises, tried to poop, heaving like mad trying to make the pain go away while my dear husband casually snores. thinking it was just another false alarm, i didn’t even bother to wake him up. but when he got up at 6 something, i told him i was in pain but he doesn’t seem to take it too seriously. he went downstairs to get on the net and watch youtube, or something.

by 7 am, when the dawn’s light finally hits my room, i saw some stains on my sheet and panicked immediately. it was darker than blood. it was almost black. so i slowly walked downstairs, stopping a few times midway to ease the contractions and told my husband that i’m showing. him, thinking i was saying something about making breakfast, said “yeah, let’s cook!” what the hell? ... “NO .. HOSPITAL! NOW!!”

so we rushed to the clinic. by rushed i mean as fast as it was possible for me, and headed straight to the delivery wards. obviously, being an auspicious date for the patriotic, the ward was full with women who’ve delivered, been induced and had/having cesareans. believe it or not, the midwives thought out loud about where to put me, the emergency case. they were practically discussing amongst themselves and some words i managed to eavesdrop were "mana nak letak dia ni?" the hell? look, ladies, i think i am about to have this baby right now, i don’t care about a room, i can deliver her on the floor for all i care, as long as somebody is there to catch her.

once they finally got a bed for me at around 8 something, one of the midwives did an internal check and told me that i was not dilated. what? all of that pain and im still not having this baby today? but thank god, she had the right mind to poke me a little deeper to see if maybe my birth canal is slightly further up than normal. true enough. she found an opening and it’s been dilated to 5 cm. panic mode ensued.

suddenly, it seems like all of the midwives and nurses on duty were attending on me. someone yelled "call the doctor!", somebody was strapping the CTG belt on me, somebody was checking my blood pressure, someone was cleaning up around me. it was too much activity for me at 8 in the freaking morning. suddenly i need coffee. laced with morphine. lots of morphine. please.



*excuse my face. I WAS IN PAIN, OK?*

the doctor (who was actually off-duty that day) finally came at 9 and it was her turn to poke me inside to see if i was truly dilated. she confirmed i was at 5 cm. and then she took this long rod and impaled me through my wee waw and suddenly i feel all wet and warm down under and innocently asked the doctor "apa tu?". she broke my water. and the delivery room was flooding. and then she told me she’d be back in a few hours to see if i’ve progressed.

in the mean time, the midwives and nurses, my husband and mom are all attending to me, telling me to relax, zikir, lie in a certain position, someone even mentioned that i'm such a trooper for being able to withstand the pain. as some women are already screaming for an epidural at 1 cm dilation. heck, i would’ve too. but since the doctor said that it was too late for me to have an epidural, i simply have to bear it.

great.

in a couple of hours, she came back from doing some grocery shopping at Giant to check on me before she goes home to cook lunch. nice, i’m having a baby and my doctor is cooking lunch. naturally, or rather theoretically, i'm expected to dilate 1 cm every hour. but i was not progressing, so she injected some pitocin into my drip and some painkiller into my ass.

oh my god, the contraction pains after that was fucking unbearable. i cried and moaned and cried and moaned and almost broke my husband’s hand and the hospital bed. the painkiller didn’t really kick in in time. i think i have too much fat on my ass for the drug to filter through. my mom predicted i’d be having this baby after zohor, as she has predicted i’d be having this baby by end of the month. so far she’s 1 to 2.

at 1.20 something (i assumed) i felt the baby’s head about to make its way out and her legs were pushing against my lungs. between my clenched jaws, i casually told my mom and husband that i think im about ready to push. it felt like im about to do no. 2 right there and then. mom panicked and was shouting "SHE'S PUSHING!". someone rushed in and poked into me again and confirmed that i’m almost at 10 cm. someone should call the doctor to tell her to stop cooking and deliver this baby now.

the doctor came at record speed and my husband, and brother the doctor were by my side to help me deliver. my husband was such a hero for wanting to be there to witness his daughter’s delivery. initially, he confessed that he can’t stand the sight of blood and seeing me being in so much pain. he didn’t want to be there during delivery. but when the time came, he did, and i love him more for doing it. my brother was a big help too, coaching me through it all. i think he was better at coaching me than my doctor and the nurse and midwives. i couldn't have done it as 'easy' without him.

although i couldn't remember much, but after only (according to my brother) 3 pushes, at 1.38 pm, my baby girl was born. she's finally here! hearing her first cries was one of the most beautiful, but painful sounds i have ever heard. i cried too, of course. i think my husband did too. he kissed me on my forehead and thanked me. i cried some more.

and then the doctor put her on my chest. i held her in my arms and thought that she's the most beautiful thing in the world. time just stopped and everything went blurry but her face. and i was slowly taking in the moment, overpowered by this unexplainable surge of emotions. i am in love. a line by Jason Mraz came to mind : "i have seen a thousand things in one place but i stopped my counting when i saw your face".

in the midst of my tears, i choked up a hi to her. (i know i should've said 'assalamualaikum', but i was totally brain dead at the moment). and like as if she’s recognized my voice, she opened one eye to look at me.

i am a mother.
















and i know you’ve heard it all before and as cliché as it may sound, it is very very true. that all that complains and pains during pregnancy and labour …

… it was totally worth it.

thank you baby, for making me a mom.

parental discretion is advised

in my attempt to move things along, defying nature's course and hastening this labour process, i've so far done these things (in random order) :

1. obsessive nipple tweaking
2. eating spicy food (not recommended when you're battling the worst heartburn of the century)
   
3. squatting exercises (which only resulted in hemorrhoids as big as golf balls. PAIN)
4. drinking coconut juice
5. laughing a lot
6. try to walk up and down the stairs as much as penguinly possible

the only things i have yet to try is blowing up balloons and having sex. they say semen can help ripen the cervix and induce labour. they also say rubbing evening primrose oil could also help ripen the cervix, but where's the fun in that? right?

now, would be a good time

it's been more than a week since the doctor confirmed that the baby's head is low and engaged. i've been on standby. meaning, i havent been going to work, physically. lucky huh? yeah, as much as i hate have strong dislike for the place i work at (who, in this universe where sane people dwell, actually do, sincerely like the place they work at anyway?) i am lucky to be given such a flexible option. and i am thankful to have bosses and colleagues who understand that i can't physically come to the office. my studio head even forbids me to come. yup, FORBIDS. that's how cool these people are.

and hey, contrary to what you might tell yourself, i actually do WORK when i am at home, ok?

now, back to the baby.

maybe i'm just too excited to have this baby that i wish that she comes out earlier than her due date. so far i've organised and reorganised her clothes and stuff in her drawers about three times a week. obviously, my nesting period is in full gear. all the time thinking that i can't wait to see her in those cute little onesies. and i tell her everyday that it's ok if she wants to come out early. like, RIGHT THIS MINUTE, PLEASE BABY! but, if she's truly her mother's daughter, i dont think she's the listening to mom type of girl.

a week ago, three days ago, i might've been a train wreck. but now, i've sortta achieved this zen-like state of mind. well, yeah, i'm still paranoid. that wont ever change. even normal vaginal discharge makes me freak out and wonder if i'm leaking amniotic fluid. but i think this zen? i think it's just the acceptance of my fate. this baby is coming out. and i will feel pain. A LOT OF PAIN.

it's only a matter of time. like, 2 weeks, more or less.

37 weeks and waiting

we're officially at 37 weeks this week. the bun is fully baked. just counting hours, waiting for that urge to deliver. we went for our check up last saturday, and the baby's engaged. her weight is already at 2.8 kilos. i might get a 3 pointer baby afterall. her head is really low but im yet to get real contractions. although my braxton-hicks were already at 20-30 minute intervals.

as the days progressed, my contractions were felt at 15-20 minutes and getting much longer and stronger that i thought, you know, since this is my first time, "ok, maybe this is it. maybe this is labour". so, last tuesday we went for a CTG scan again, to confirm if i am really in labour. turns out, im not. i was kind of disappointed. but good news is, according to the machine, i've been getting mild contractions at every 8 minutes, and even better news is, that it'd only get worse.

and then, my vagina was rudely and painfully poked by two wrinkly fingers of the bidan probing to see if i'm dilated. well, not yet. in fact, her exact words were "hmmph, ketat bukan main lagi nih!" .. or in the words of madonna, "like a virgin". i almost wanted to say 'thank you' but i then i realized that it wasnt a good thing, considering the circumstances. i mean, an entire human being is about to come out of there and being tight is something i should be worried about, right?

by the way, if it's not already clearly stated between the lines, im a train wreck. it's the not knowing what's gonna happen within the turn of the minute that's driving me crazy. it's the leaving it up to the baby. and God, of course. now that the baby's head is where it's supposed to be ... what's next? will my water break? will i have a bloody show first? or do i have to wait till i feel that disabling, lose-all-motor-function labour pain that everybody's been talking about?

and the signs are all so clear. i am having this baby soon. like, baby is moving so much, i think it means that she can't wait to come out. sometimes i swear i can feel her trying to dig her way out of that tight hole like a meerkat. and a couple of nights ago, i dreamt that i was eating a baby's cheek with mustard. and yesterday, i swear the rain smelled like a newborn baby. weird, right?

honestly, i hope this baby comes out soon. because, honestly, i dont think i can do this anymore.

still undecided about the title for this post

this morning, i went for my postponed scheduled MOGTT (modified oral glucose tolerance test) or blood sugar test in english. gosh, i'm starting to sound like falie with all the random medical abbreviations and terms only understood by people with a MD at the back of their names.

i passed.

but not without giving the doctor a few scares though. the first test, the fasting test, i was at 2.8 which makes me hypoglycemic. the doctor was scared that i might faint anytime. and then i had to come back in an hour's time after drinking really sweet glucose water the nurse made. and then my reading went up the roof at 6.0. crazy. then i had to come back within an hour. scared that i might not make the walk to and back from the office, i stayed at the reception for a full hour reading parental magazines and posters and counting ceiling panels. final check - 3.4 - normal (the doctor was even praying for me to have a normal reading). so, pheww.

and whilst i was waiting, this lady came waddling in with her huge belly and gave me a smile. she went into the doctor's office and by the time she came out, she was in labour and was immediately sent to the labour room. gila scary weh. but she looked so relaxed. not showing any contractions or anything. i, on the other hand was the one panicking. wondering, when it is my turn, will i be as calm. but knowing me, i guess that's a far cry lah kan? i think i'll be the typical drama queen that i am, crawling up the the stairs to the labour room, ordering my husband around to get me everything, hee-hee-hoo-ing for dear life, telling my mom to shut up one minute and then crying and apologizing to her not stop for being such a terrible daughter the next ... i'll be such a wonderful person to be around with, won't i?

anytime now

so we're coming into 36 weeks this week. i'm tempted to say 'how time flies' but that would be a lie. time moves rreeaaalllllyyyy slllloooowwww when your body allows you to move at sloth speed.

we'll be full term at 37 weeks next week and should the baby wants to come early, then i hope it happens within or sometimes after next week. do i want her to come earlier than her due date? YES, PLEASE. scared and unready as i am.. she is coming out sooner or later, i'd prefer sooner. because then, i don't have to come to work and i'd save on 2 weeks of unpaid leaves. and plus, i don't think my tummy can grow any more than it already has. carrying all this weight around is tiring.


.... fuck it. i'm too tired to even write anymore.

"when you have a son, you have to worry about just one penis. when you have a daughter, you have to worry about everyone else's penis"

and when you have a daughter, you also have to worry about all the drama she's gonna pull to with the sole purpose to give you a heart attack. so my little drama queen in the making (as per kak zaliza's careful observation) gave me a scare since last night.

usually, she'll be kicking up a storm in the middle of the night, keeping me awake. sometimes, she'll move so hard that she'd shake my whole body. she'll kick me when she wants me to turn over the other side and she'll also try to push away the pillows that cushion around my stomach. but yesterday, i didn't feel any movement. not even when i turn, not when i rub my tummy, not when i get up. and i didnt feel anything this morning after i took my shower and had a glass of milk. so, naturally, i panicked.

i went to see the doctor, told her i wasn't feeling the fetal movement as much as im supposed to, so immediately, she sent me to do a CTG scan. but of course, the CTG result was normal, the doctor was happy looking at the graphs, basically just lines that look like a seismograph .. or a lie detector test. and the baby lied, thank god. her heartbeat was looking good, and there weren't any contractions that hiked up the roof or anything. just one mild one.

now, as much as it hurts and making me uncomfortable, i relish and cherish all her movements in me. i'd rather be sore than ever want to be that scared again. well, until the delivery at least. cause then, i'd be both sore and scared.

eeekh

if i can spell out the noises that come out of my mouth these days, then "eeekh" would probably be my overused phrase. i use it all the time. when i get out of the chair, when i get up from laying down on a low mattress, when i get out of bed, when trying to put on undies and pants, when looking at the stairs that i have to climb up to get to work every morning, when trying to reach down to wash and wipe my ass, and also EVERY SINGLE STEP I TAKE.

eeekh.

so we went for our checkup last saturday. the baby is looking really cute and cheeky. by cheeky i mean there were CHEEKS! really tembam cheeks you'd want to squeeze and kiss and pinch all the time. like mine. eeekh! although my profile looks like i'm carrying twins, the baby is only weighing at 2.4kg average and the doctor expects her to be at least 2.9kg at birth. i was hoping she'd be a 3 pointer baby, but hey, if smaller means a possibly easier childbirth ... then a 2 pointer is fine by me.

i've been pointing out this fact to my husband, that our days spent alone together, having meals together, walking hand in hand at the mall, looking, admiring, thinking, dreaming of stuff that don't match up our payslips combined, sleeping together in peace (for instances when neither of us are snoring) ... are numbered. this is our last month of freedom. and with the delivery that's due whenever from now till the second week of september, any week could be our last week of freedom, any day could be the last day of freedom.

and then there'll be a lot of midnight wakeys, poopy diaper changing, constant boob feeding, the boob pumping, the CRYING AND SCREAMING at sleep time that will make all the snoring seems like the breaking of the waves on the beach at sunset, the stroller pushing, baby chasing, yelling at her to sit quietly in the back of the car and no jumping around for goodness sakes. ooohh.. can you imagine all the relentless questionings when they reach 5 years old? i cant wait to find out how stupid i am for not being able to give answers to 5 year olds.

yes, i'm getting way ahead of myself here. but can you blame me? well, yes, of course you can. you can say "haven't you heard of condoms?" like what my brother always do. my point is, this motherhood thing is pretty scary. you've patiently (not in my case) cooked the bun for 9 months and pushed out a human and it doesn't stop there. it never stops till you're dead. and even then, with all the constant worrying that your daughter wont do half the things you did when you were young and stupid - like piercing your navel, or falling for that stupid mat salleh guy because you're going through your SPG phase, or refuse to eat your vegetables, or forging your mom's signature in report cards - you'd NEVER rest in peace. that's why ghosts ... are mostly women.

ayis is also worried about everything these days. he's been smoking a lot again, something i dont necessarily appreciate, but can understand. as long as he's doing it as far away from me and my pregnant belly as possible, i really don't mind.

as much as i can't wait for the baby to come out, so that i can cuddle her and kiss her and breathe her ... deep down, i wish she could stay in there and cook for a little while longer so that i don't have to worry about anything else except if she's moving more than 10 times in 12 hours.