to be or not to be

don't mind this post because it's basically just a monologue of the things that are stewing in my head. i've got to make some life-changing career-advancing potentially life-threatening decision and it feels somewhat good to just blog out loud.

the boss called me up for a meeting yesterday and i thought it was for a job brief or something. turns out he offered me the Creative Director's position in the company - to lead the one of the best creative teams i've ever worked with. i'm not a big fan of change so that's why i'm still contemplating.

this is the second time that he offered me in the 3 years that i've worked here. the first time he offered, i didnt think i was ready for that kind of responsibility. and furthermore, there was no pay rise so get this, i was to be a CD on a copywriter's salary and i had to do take on both the CD's job and the copywriter job all at once. that's a bit crazy i thought. so i declined.

Now, boss has agreed that i just give directions and make the creative decision and he'll have a jr. copywriter working under me and i'm also expected to guide the said jr. copywriter. i hate making decisions and i hate to liaise directly with the marketing department and/or clients. i do not have the patience, tolerance and the people skills for that. where i am right now, i only need to deal with the existing CD (or rather non-existent because he's here but not really here if you get what i mean), the Art Directors, the Studio Manager, the Strategy Writer, the designers and my computer. where i am now in the company is self-preservation for me. if i were to deal with marketing & clients directly, i'd do crazy. so, no thank you.

and besides, personally, i don't feel like i've done enough as a copywriter yet. i mean, i don't feel like i've reached that level in my career that i think i've got to where i want to and done all that i can do that it's now time for me to step up in the creative level and lead people. i've done that before in the last company. i was the Head of Creative Services and i was the copywriter at the same time. it drove me mad (the office politics and back-stabbing bitches and ass-sucking bastards didn't help either). i was angry all the time. i snap at my cats for no apparent reason, let alone the people around me. i just couldn't hack it then.

but now, after i've sat down with some of the creative team, they say that i should take the offer. one because it'd be easy for the whole of creative team because approvals and briefings and brainstorming will be fast and precise because i don't waste time with the nitty gritty of things. also because they believe that i can do it, that i have the knack for it. that out of the lot, i have the most potential to lead the team because i'm (apparently, according to them and the boss) the kind of person who takes no prisoners, a person who holds her grounds and a person who thinks out loud, no holds barred - or in other words, a loud and stubborn bitch. and that's a good thing, in the business.

i was amazed and overwhelmed by what they think about me. it feels nice that people acknowledge my presence and what i can bring. but unfortunately, i just don't see it in me. one of my colleagues asked me "Lisha, do you know how the side of your earlobes look like?" i said, "No." "Exactly! you can't see it, i can! So just shut up and stop giving lame-ass excuses and be our CD already!" to which i replied, "Wow, man! Thank you for looking at my lobes and telling me that it's not pointy like Yoda's!" "You're welcome!"

ok, even after i blogged about this career conundrum out loud, it's still not helping. i still don't know what to do. should i take it? or should i just stay comfortable and complacent where i am and just take it a day at a time?

see, i can't even make decisions for myself, how can i make decisions for the team? shit man!

i'm like, the laziest workaholic there is

i'm in the midst of getting my work portfolio in order. 3 years worth of work is no joke, man. im the only copywriter in this agency and we have 3 art directors cum designers, so compiling all the jpegs from 3 designers is hard work. nak muntah dah. but luckily they are cool people, so they don't mind me bothering them about these things. but why am i compiling? maybe it's because i'm starting to panic. we have a couple of these cool people jumping ships already and i know, from experience, this will take turn for the worst. when one leaves, especially one of the best, most reliable one, the rest will surely follow. but no, i have not send out my resume yet. i'm not testing waters yet. i'm pretty comfortable here. i wish i'd make more money, but considering the 'perks' (personal, not managerial) i'm having, i think i'll bear with it for a little while longer. and furthermore, we're looking to buy a house this year, so it'd be wise if i do not jump ship as yet.

if i leave though, i don't think i'll be going back to working in advertising. maybe i'll jump over to the client's side. maybe i'll go into academics. i have almost 10 years of industry experience, it'd be selfish if i'd just kept it to myself. right? plus, with the kid and everything else in my life, i think i have so much more to lose now to the obscure world of advertising. i think i should find something more permanent, and sure. something that doesnt take me away from my family until insane hours into the night. i need to work somewhere that gives me more mom hours.

on another less serious work note, my poster business is back in full gear. i've tried putting it off and 'close shop' for a month because i've been terribly busy. and during that 'break' i find that it's easy for me to lose touch of what keeps me happy - being artsy. and i even 'forgot' to design a couple of posters for a couple of people because they assured me that it's okay to take my time doing it. thing is, it only takes me a couple of hours to whip up a design and in that two hours, i'm happy. so, that's why i've decided to just get the business back in full swing, no matter how busy i am with work. i think i can spare a few minutes, or hour of the day cooking up a poster or two.

this is also one of the reasons why i can't look for another job yet because there's no way i can do this poster business thing as conveniently as i can now. Unless i do it during the weekends, and at night after arwen's asleep. which means that the turnaround time would be much longer and i just hate to keep clients waiting.

argh. the conundrum.

i found my way out of this mess

im resigning today.

because i realized today that the job is slowly sucking my precious life away. i didnt even know my little brother has started his practical training until today, on my way to work when mama, papa and falie were discussing about him. despite ayis driving me home, i dont talk much to him in the car because i'd be so tired and sleepy and he cant even make plans to surprise me because he's not sure when and if i'd be away from work - like going to the japanese drum concert he wanted to see, or boyz II men concert he knows i'd love to go. shit man, i cant even make plans for myself. i had to cancel going to my good friend's 1st solo photography exibition this weekend because i'd be stuck at work. i feel so out of touch with my surroundings, my friends, my family.

i keep quiet more often than not because sometimes my mind wanders off to distant nowheres trying to find concepts for this and that job briefs. i dont even listen to people talking anymore. im slowly losing myself. and this job, its not worth it.

and also because i found another job. a place only 2 minutes away from home, i can practically walk to work. but i wont because by the time i reach the office, i'd be sweaty and smelly. i dont have to trouble anyone sending me to and fetching me from work. and should i have to stay late, home is only 2 minutes away.

i hope im making the wise move.

surviving first week

hmm. the first day of anything is almost always seem too good to be true. wait a year, or a month or a week even, you'll see things for what they truly are.

when i first agreed to take on this job, i didnt really know what i put myself into. well, i knew that i had to readjust my lifestyle, and re-evaluate my other priorities and commitments, but i never thought that it could be so hard. i never thought that i have to give up on it entirely.

i know i am dedicated and hardworking. even though i know i dont have much experience, i make up for it through dedication. and i want to constantly learn new things ... but it's kinda hard when you realize that people, they don't really have time to teach you. all they do is make you feel stupid, incompetent and hopelessly inadequate. and that sucks.

i wanted challenge, but this is a bit too challenging. i wanted to give this a month or two before i start finding another job, somewhere small and local, somewhere i know i can make a difference and be of value. maybe it's gonna be much sooner rather than later.

yes, call me chicken shit, call me anal, call me whatever the fuck you like ...

but a wise man once told me that ... "put your life, family and relationship first before your work because if they decided to give up on you like you did them, the company you work for wont compensate you for losing that."

and he's right, you know.

bubbling stew of crazy

don't you ever get that sick, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, kinda like a bubbling stew of neurotic, paranoia, delusion and suspicion. the kinda thing that makes the corner of lips twitch involuntarily and you feel like every degree of heat in your body is drawn out from your earlobes because you think people are talking about you behind your back.

this is what i think they think of me.

the new writer, she's so blur.

surviving first day

first day at the new place and what a start. first misgiving, i couldn't find a pen anywhere in this place. and when i asked for a pen, they gave me a stationery requisition form. and i have to fill this form, how? it don’t matter though, im planning to bring in my bucket of pens tomorrow anyway.

that aside, i realized now that i didn’t know what i’ve put myself into. first day... and i'm already skipping lunch. give a few weeks, i’ll be skipping life altogether. but it’s expected right? in this no weekends, no life industry? but so far so good though. the people here seem really nice and friendly. the bosses are nice too.

well, so far at least.

don't know how long i'll survive, but im gonna at least try till i can't anymore. travelling to and from work, now that's a whole different bucket of tuna. it's tiring, even if i'm not the one driving. oh, and waking up to go to work before the sun comes up ... don't know how im gonna EVER get used to that. i dont know how mom does it everyday for the past 21 years.

despite the misgivings, the day was pretty productive. considerably. we managed to get 3 storyboards out in a matter of 5 hours. without any profanities flying about, i might add.

well, we'll see if i can survive tomorrow.

it's my last day, yet i was the first one in the studio

i waltzed into the front glass door with a different stride and a smile today. maybe i bounced a little too. today, im glad i dont have to walk through that front door again. i glad that i dont have to climb up 4 storey to reach my bad feng sui cubicle anymore. im glad i dont have to hear the wails of ambulances every 30 minutes anymore like its fucking new york. im glad that i dont have to tolerate with the paraiment office-politics anymore. im glad that i'm finally out of here.

*giving myself a pat on the back*

oh, by the way.. this was the very last material (upon thousands) i'll ever sign off for friends.

the last and the furious

it's official! went to my last WIP meeting this morning. felt weird ... but good. kinda like singing the last school song at the last school essembly on the last monday at school. don't understand why they still insist on weed and i to attend, since we only have a few more days left being the disgruntled low-paid employees. but since we've got nothing better to do, ah.. might as well.

but towards the end, i regret ever attended the meeting. he was like feeding the fire with more logs. so, NOW he says we can get help from the other studio if we're packed with work. NOW he says that he can see that our studio is over-worked. NOW he tells the servicing to be hard-core in negotiating deadlines with clients. NOW he says that he understands.

ppfbt.

still, there'll only be ONE copywriter left to do all the writing, proofing, conceptualising, researching. ONE. and i bet they're gonna take in a Jr. Writer... coz to tell you the truth, i dont think they can afford taking an experienced writer for my post.

HAH. all i can say is ... good luck to whoever's taking my place.

good luck and have fun.

counting the days...

yay! 2 more weeks and i am outta here. right now im just basically menghabiskan sisa-sisa hidup as the disgruntled copywriter / underpaid (joint) head of creative / unshitter / whiner / crybaby.

im just so happy. a bit freaked out. but happy. im swinging between happy and scared from time to time. fortunately the happiness lasts slightly longer that the latter. somebody asked me ... am i sad to leave this place after 4 years? the question should be ... should i be sad? hmm. well yeah, i was a bit sad, but it only lasted about 10 minutes.

i did cry in front of the boss when i told him the real reasons as to why i was leaving. i'm a crybaby ... i cant help it. i cry when im happy, depressed, dissapointed, overwhelmed, angry and menstruating. i just like crying. it cleanses the soul. and yesterday, i was all that ... except that i wasn't menstruating.

he seemed dissapointed, but somehow i felt he was faking it. he asked if i'd consider working the remainder of my 'sentence' and he'll pay off my leave balance. hmm.. tak payah. if you're really feeling that benovalent .... just pay me my translation claims lah. no thanx, but i dont wanna spend any more time here than i have to. i need to look for a job dammit.

started sending my resume out already... just waiting for a hit. so far, none yet. we'll just have to wait i guess.

i just had to do it ...

i did it man. i fucking did it. i threw in my resignation letter today, at exactly 4pm. i finally managed to sum up all my courage to print that letter i've prepared 3 years ago and give it to them. the other boss wasnt around so i left in on his table for his viewing pleasure tomorrow morning. my way of saying.. thanks for the 4 wonderful years so SURPRISE!! and then i slowly, cautiously walked into the other boss' room to drop the bomb on him.

he didnt look surprised at all though. he was like .. "what's this? resign lagi?". i think he probably saw it coming. maybe he's all numb and jaded by the mass-resignation (creds to suyin) letters floating about on his table. or perhaps somebody might have told him that im gonna resign. news travel fast in this office, even news that didnt actually happened, like my blog for instance. what blog? there's no blog lah people .. are you delusional? do you hear voices in your head? your mother enjut you real hard while you in the buaian kain pelikat and purposely made your head hit the floor just to make you shut up, issit? lisha doesnt write blogs lah. lisha cant write.

initially i wanted drop it this friday. friday seems like a good day to quit. but something happened today that opened my eyes and i didnt like what i saw. so that kinda pushed me to just fucking do it. i dont care if the company falls to shit. i dont care about the credit-hogging (creds to nash), power-crazy, bias bullshitters, blog-stalking hos, kuat-mengadus, backstabbers, stupid ass clients. no more thinking. just do it.

oh man .. right now.. i feel so good. so elated. i feel so light. lighter than the after shitting feeling. i feel free. i feel happy. yeah, i admit, im a bit scared and unsure about whether i am going to find another job or not. i am looking though. maybe it was a bad idea to resign before you've secured a job some place else. but i just had to do it. or else i'd be tied down with deadlines after unforgiving deadlines that i wont be able to drop them to go for an interview. at least now i can concentrate about what i want to do with my life. and i have about two months to figure it out before my money runs out.

i dont wanna care about that now. not yet anyway. let me just indulge in this freedom and lightness feeling for a day or two.

... and then i can freak out.

it's not the water. it's not really the people. it's something much bigger than that.

" ... as psychological research has well documented, the stress of being in an enclosed space with a small group of people for long periods of time can result in cognitive decline, depression and interpersonal conflicts in an otherwise well-adjusted group. these problems, however minor, can easily escalate into a disaster in an experimental spacecraft or any other environment already fraught with danger." dr albert harisson, PhD. professor or psychology, university of california.

well, yeah he was talking about sending people up to live up on mars. when you really think of it, it makes not much difference ... mars and let's say urm ... some 'worldwide' ad agency. when you put a certain group of people under one roof with pretty much no outside contact, in due time things are bound to get ugly. you'll get annoyed with certain people. and certain people will get annoyed at you, usually over silly, trivial things like "who the fuck stole my stapler!!"

it's either that, or this place has pretty bad feng sui. if you're into all that.

after more than one year, i noticed that things have gone from worse to worst since we've moved into this office. people fight more with each other. people quit. pitches lost. money embezzled. morale's deteriorating .. quite bad, you can almost sense it's already setting into the rigor mortis stage. blogs found and linked. 4 years of worth of files and songs lost. cameras stolen. it's really depressing.

i like it better at the old place. yes, with the traffic jam and all. and yes, i say that because i dont drive. my point is, we dont feel trapped. if the people in the office's starting to get in your face, when you just wanna "urrrrghh!".. you can just simply go out and peoplewatch. kinda calms you down a bit. when you're surrounded by strangers, you'll feel like you belonged in a civilisation. it makes you somewhat whole. you wont feel lonely, you'll fell less depressed.

well, yeah .. it's true that i dont really have a life to start with. i mean i dont hang out with friends. well i do ... once a month, sometimes two months. but i've been living like that for as long as i lived. that is why i noticed the difference. i wasnt even this depressed back when i was single and a slut.

i'm glad i don't have to work here any longer.

dejavu

so .. i heard through the grapevine that quite a considerable number of people are leaving for good. some because they've found greener pastures and better prospects somewhere else. some because they feel like they've been unjustly attacked by everyone else. some feel like they can't stand working with everyone else. i dont see them as cowards. i have to say.. i kinda respect for them for having the guts to leave. unlike me. chicken shit.

i'm seriously thinking about leaving too, though. not because i'm jumping the bandwagon ... but because i don't think i can cope with work and the people at work anymore. the workload has doubled, the stress is intensifying, the crap that comes along with it keeps on multiplying, the people are becoming more and more intorable which i dont think is ever gonna change.

although im not doing any campaigns anymore .. im starting to feel that mainstream-anxiety i once had while i was at mainstream. the anxiety i thought i've'd escape from. now, its kinda like dejavu. since the restructuring, i havent been able to get a peaceful sleep. i keep waking in the middle of the night like as if i had a bad dream .. kinda funny cause i cant even dream anymore.

urrgh!

anyway ... rant more later. gotta go meet those two penguins at klcc for kopi.

say what?

they think i'm anal, rigid .. and not 'flexible' enough ...

wtf?

oklah .. anal maybe. but not flexible?

heck ... i was a gymnast lah weh!

so far, so good.

im not writing this to kiss anybody’s asses or play with anybody’s balls just because i already know that people in the office do read my blog. im not the ass kissing, ball licking, diplomatic, tactful type. if i am, i’d be bloody rich by now.

i’ll write what i feel and today im feeling rather positive, for a change...

so far, so good.

i don’t need to scamp any goddam fucking thing anymore, i don’t need to be the only one conceptualizing anymore, i don’t need to tell the designers what fonts or colours to use, or how to use photoshop anymore, I don’t need to fight with the servicing in terms of layouts and designs anymore, i don’t need to look for pictures on random stock photo libraries for them anymore, i don’t have to shoot boring pictures for visuals anymore ... so that’s all good. i only have to concentrate on copywriting and proofreading. i feel somewhat free.

the new structure is very streamlined and systematic. it’s refreshing. well, fine, i don’t have full control and power anymore.. but at least there’s order. i’d rather have order and somebody to share the load with than full power and control. i don’t do well with power and control. i can’t lead. and i don’t see myself as the leading kind.

at least now with a new, very experienced and capable person in the ad’s chair, i can bounce off a few ideas and concepts and not having the same ideas and concepts bounce back to me. i can talk to him and get feedbacks rather than just nods and okays. it’s like playing doubles in squash. well, i don’t play squash per se but you get the idea lah.

i hope it’ll work out with this new team.

moving on...

since we've moved into the new office at Jalan Gurney, i've moved cubicles 4 times. twice while i was in mainstream, and twice more in recruitment.

this is my new, latest space...



i kinda like my new corner... secluded, private and comfortable, still room for improvement though. probably some roman blinds, posters, shelves, plants. i hope i wont have to move anymore... it's bloddy tiring. 4 years worth of stuff is not so easy to pack and unpack.

maybe the next time i move ... will be OUT AND FOR GOOD.

self-conflict or hypocrisy?

im sick and tired of this crap! enough with this politi-fucking thing. for me its simple.. just shut your trap and do your job, and fucking hell .. do it right. and people wont talk about you behind your back, because there’s nothing much to say. you’re safe. (or at least can hope that they wont and you are).

but when you go around, trying to win alliances by attacking on other people - people who do your job for you, people who covers your big ass, people who knows a whole lot of shit about you … not just any shit .. bring-you-downable shit - like you’re so goddamn perfect and faultless, you’re just going to get screwed upside down inside out like jack johnson.

so fine, you win one person’s vote.. but while you’re busy alliance-cing, you’re left obliviously dumbfucked to the fact that there’s 6 different knives ready to stab you when you least expect.

this is the thing about life that you should constantly remind yourself about.. this is how the world works, what makes the world turn.. . when you bitch about other people, other people will bitch about you.

screw it man. and please lah … don’t try to win my vote.. just leave your bloody politics at home or go do it somewhere else ... to the people who actually gives a fucking damn. leave me alone coz i’ve got a lot more crap hitting my fan.

okay?

ok, so apparently, my ad got pirated again only now i have a really good idea as to whom took that ad. wtf? dont these people have their own creativity? and you call yourself a copywriter? you are supposed to WRITE idiot, not COPY! dont take things so literally. ok, fine lah, ciplak menciplak is the true nature of the industry, i admit as much. and i've had my share of drained-out-of-ideas days ... but there's a really clear line between getting inspired by an idea and carbon copying the idea sebijik sebijon. you just dont do that to your fellow writer ... its just plain wrong and stupid, man.

i said before, maybe i should take this positively because imitation is the best form of flattery, or so they say, but three times .. that just makes us look stupid, doesnt it?

its a MAD, MAD world

I just realized that I only feel crappy about work when I feel like I cant deal with the crap they throw at me. I guess everybody feels that way about their day. Well everybody except for the advertising friendly super-copywriter-dude. he’s so cool and composed even when clients fuck him upside down inside out left right and centre. I don’t know how he does that. I on the other hand, who wears her heart like a freaking tunas puteri badge, gets obviously murderous when everything goes FUBAR.

I was never really good at hiding my feelings. I was never really good at verbally expressing them either. So I guess it still works for me. People would still know when im upset, people know when im happy, people know when I have my period, people know when im drunk. not that ive ever gotten drunk. I suppose if I drink, people would know.

Well, anyway, right now, everything seems to be sliding into FUBAR mode and I FUCKING HATE MY JOB! Kinda sorta opened up to a colleague, of how much im not liking my new job as a mainstream copywriter, and how much I prefer doing something else somewhere else, and how much I miss the fast-paced environ of recruitment, I don’t think it was such a good move telling her all that but I guess, at that moment, I just had to .. or else I’d breakdown and go columbine on everyone. its not a good move blogging about work either. my left brain have this constant problem consulting with my right brain and vice versa. psychologists have a terminology for my condition and its called stupidity.. but anyway

maybe now that I’ve told her what’s on my mind, I guess I could ask her to recommend me a good recruitment ad agency since, according to her, she’s got more than 10 years experience in the industry. She must know some good places.

Where’s that MAD book? By the way, the MAD book is so aptly acronymed don’t you think?

i REALLY need to find a new job

Raya songs pierce the ambience of the open-concept office. I am somewhat numb to the looming festivities. One time last week, the pakcik taxi boomed his small smelly cabby with old raya tunes and asked me if im feeling it? no sir.. nothing. No wait.. gimme 5 seconds. ................. nope. nothing.

I wont feel anything even if you twisted my nipples with jump-start cable tweezers or whatever the hell you call it. just take me to work. As much as I hate dragging myself there every day and weekends too .. well.. I got deadlines. Deadlines are like the ball and chain that cuff and blister my broken leg. Uurgh. I hate work.

I feel that its unfair that I have to do all the malay copy and translations when I have my own accounts to handle. As for now, we have 3 teams working on 3-5 accounts each. Not counting bitching pitches. But when it comes to malay copy.. or malay translations.. let lisha do it. I work as much and as hard as the other writers .. but I have to do a little extra coz im malay. What the fuck? Ive addressed this to the boss.. he said to just do what im told to do and as and when it gets a little too much for me to handle.. we’ll outsource. What the fuck?

I show them my dedication and hardwork only to be treated like a fucking doormat?

I cant help feeling like im being used.

Kinda like a whore, whose pimp reaps 96.5 percent of her fuck and blow money.

and no raya bonus?

WHAT THE FUCK????

There goes the camera ive been eyeing for the past 3 months.

what the hell am still i wasting my time and energy here anyway for?

for shit.

hypocritical oath

how do i write about body shapping confidence enhancing product when i've got unresolved inner beauty issues of my own?

it's like a chain smoker trying to write a no smoking campaign.

or someone's who's allergic to dogs trying to write an adopt-a-dog ad.

or a bimbo trying to write some pious shit.

wait .. ive aced that one before.

i am so going to hell arent i?

you get the point.