reorganizing my crazy

looking back through all my posts lately, it seems like this blog has turned into a blog of a typenut on acid. yes, i've gone obsessed with hoarding all my love of typefaces into this blog and it has taken over my life, basically. so, i will now redirect your attention to a new blog i'll be managing from time to time, which will only specifically be for the side of me that's crazy about all things fonts, typefaces and typography. if you are following the free font fridays series, or the typenut series in its entirety, please update your RSS or links or whatever to this blog. thank you.

i want to get crafty

i came across this inspiring crafty blog (anasfadilah, you're gonna love this!) Made by Petchy and i have this sudden urge to get off my lazy, procrastinating ass, get some funky fabrics (love the ones sold at ikea) and whip out my mom's sewing machine and do something. even when i have never sewn anything my entire life. the quilt bag project for Home Economics in Form 3? yeah, my mom made that for me. i cheated. i'm sorry, teacher.

if you have been following this blog for some time (that would actually only make me, and a couple of my friends, a handful of stalkers) you'd know how i love to start on something, and never get around to finishing it. like my 12x12x12 painting project, or the wall of photos, for instances. i even told my husband a couple of months ago how i am interested in starting a new business/hobby of making diaper cakes. but he, who knows me real well that it scares me sometimes, was 70/30 unsupportive. he was practically nodding while he pointed out salient facts how the idea would not work, especially for me.

but after browsing through Petchy, my hands are itching to start crafting something. maybe i will start with something simple (that i know eventually, mom will take over from me because i am naturally slow and i don't take directions well) like a camera strap slipcover for my dslr, and maybe for my brothers' too if i actually get around to making it.

random : from browsing through Petchy, i also disovered that the people in Norway only works till 4.00 pm. i want to work in Norway.

it's not pink. it's fuchsia

i've decided to change the color of my templates on a bi-monthly basis from now on. or maybe i shouldn't get too ambitious. it's out of character. ok, fine .. i've to decided to change the color of my template on a 'whenever the heck i feel like it' basis.

project 12 : march 07

i know i'm lagging behind on my project 12. i was supposed to do this once a month but i cant seem to get my ass up in tune with my aspirations and projections. that's just typically me. my butt is bigger than my dreams.

this artwork thing... it's not even that hard once i get started on it. its just the 'waiting for inspiration to come' phase that takes a really long time. but i'm not totally off track though, i've done 2 artworks in a matter of 2 days. which means that since november, i've done 5 artworks, so i'm actually right on track. although i'll post the 5th one much later because i still have some finishing touches to do.

i was having a hard time sleeping and i suddenly had a flicker of inspiration last tuesday night, so i picked up one of the 3 blank canvases stacked under piles and piles of clothes and started laying out my art materials on my bed. like a whore, if i had a choice, i prefer to work from my bed.

i wanted a funky colored base so i started the background with purple. i used up one full small tube of purple acrylic for this. since i used acrylic, it dried really fast. so i proceeded to draw the outline of my subject. a foliage design inspired by jason gaylor's brushes. while i was doing this, bruce springsteen's secret garden was randomly played on my iPod. kinda uncanny. so i shall name this artwork ... SECRET GARDEN.



i needed a contrasting colour that goes well against deep purple. i didn't want yellow. i did white against dark colour already. figured that i didn't really want a funky painting afterall. i wanted gold. but i don't have gold acrylic. so, i settled for a light brown colour. well, some may call the colour ochre, or clay, or mud, or dark blondish, dark yellow. i call it Liquid Shit.



and then i did the round thingys. for now, all my artworks have but one common recurrent theme. circles. or rounded curvy shapes that used to be a full circle in its previous life or perhaps aspire to become a circle in the next. the foliage kinda looks like a medieval malaysian tree money (if there's such an era).



here's the completed 'secret garden'.

still figuring out what to do with my life

i've been going on telling people that i'm sick of advertising, the copywriting part to be exact, but i have no idea what i else i can do besides that. i mean, yeah .. i can do a little bit of everything when it comes to the creative part of the job -- a little bit of designing, a little bit of photography, a little bit of writing, a little bit translation -- by right, i could be the most talented person an agency could have. but that's just it ... i don't have the passion and motivation to do this anymore. i want to do something else. no, i need to do something else.

my passion now lies in photography. it's where i can be original. it's where i can do nothing wrong. if there's something wrong, there's nothing photoshop can't make good. it's when i feel most alive - behind the lens. but first, i need to learn more about photography. well no, first i need to get the gear. well.. actually first, i need to have the money to get the gear and perhaps a second degree. (nash, you just have to sell me that camera, ok?)

cary told me to pursue a career in photojournalism. since i (think i) can write, and i (think i) can take photos. well, that's an idea. a damn good idea, actually. maybe i could be a freelance contributor - for a travel or food magazine. oooh, that would be one of the best jobs.

but i don't think i'm good enough for it.

ah, fuck it. i'm good for nothing.

to believe or not to believe...

usually i dont make it a habit to read (and believe) all these astrological andromeda over orion's crotch business ... but i cant help it when most of the forecast ring true. it is pretty scary.

Dear Ellisha,

Feeling restless? Ready to shake things up? Every now and then we all need to move out of our habitually sleepy ways of living life ... and today is a great time to begin.

You probably felt an intense astrological call for change this past November, when freedom-oriented Jupiter entered its own sign, Sagittarius, for the first time in 12 years. Indeed, during this period, you probably began to contemplate perspectives and objectives you never considered before. Now, on January 22, Jupiter reaches the first of three squares with independent Uranus (beginning a significant cycle that won't end until October 9) and takes 'intense' to a whole new level.

Jupiter's movements always encourage self-improvement, and should help you focus on effecting postive change. No events or situations are circumstantial, and this fiery planet forces us to consider new and improved ways of taking matters into our own hands. The movement into Sagittarius brings optimism along with the urge to seek out more constructive solutions. Uranus -- often referred to as 'the Awakener' -- signals that it's time to wake up and stop hitting the cosmic snooze alarm!

You are likely to feel excited, agitated and fidgety all at once when Jupiter makes its first square. Now is the time to make important and perhaps even radical life alterations. Your world is shifting and you'll likely have to embrace the joyous with the uncomfortable in order to optimize growth and change.

This month, as the square cycle kicks off, be open-minded when encountering any scenario -- from an unforeseen event to an all-too-familiar conflict -- and you'll find yourself making the most of a very significant era.

had to change a new template too, apparently

i opened up my page today and found out that the black-orange popcorn template i love so much have gone all wonky like me. and so i wasted much more of my free time reformatting and customising a new ready-made template. well, at this point in my life right now, all sorts of changes are welcomed.

project12 : december 2006 (1)

mood of (the 1st part of ) the month : tumult. scared. unsure. chaotic.

this one, i actually started a couple of weeks ago ... it only took an hour to finish painting the background color. but it took about 5 days for it to dry. i have to wait before i start on the composition i've been conjuring up in my head and that has kept me sleepless for 3 nights in a row.



and once the primary has fully dried, i drew the outlines - and since faiz cant remember where he puts the color pencil collection 2 boxes worth that i've passed down to him after i've graduated art school - i had to find other resources. and since i have no idea where my mom puts her sewing box, i couldnt find a tailor's chalk and so i ended up using my expired skin-tone brow pencil (dont ask. it was free)



why waves? this month's been exactly like that. a lot of ups and downs - sometimes i'd feel free and flighty and weighless but sometimes, it even came to the point of just giving up and letting myself being dragged down by the undertow. scary thing is ... i cant even swim.



and so ... after 2 weeks, it has come down to this. so far, this one's been a bit of a pain in the ass - it took took a lot more brushes, patience, time, emotions, energy as well as neck and back rubs.



but it's worth it.

counting the days...

yay! 2 more weeks and i am outta here. right now im just basically menghabiskan sisa-sisa hidup as the disgruntled copywriter / underpaid (joint) head of creative / unshitter / whiner / crybaby.

im just so happy. a bit freaked out. but happy. im swinging between happy and scared from time to time. fortunately the happiness lasts slightly longer that the latter. somebody asked me ... am i sad to leave this place after 4 years? the question should be ... should i be sad? hmm. well yeah, i was a bit sad, but it only lasted about 10 minutes.

i did cry in front of the boss when i told him the real reasons as to why i was leaving. i'm a crybaby ... i cant help it. i cry when im happy, depressed, dissapointed, overwhelmed, angry and menstruating. i just like crying. it cleanses the soul. and yesterday, i was all that ... except that i wasn't menstruating.

he seemed dissapointed, but somehow i felt he was faking it. he asked if i'd consider working the remainder of my 'sentence' and he'll pay off my leave balance. hmm.. tak payah. if you're really feeling that benovalent .... just pay me my translation claims lah. no thanx, but i dont wanna spend any more time here than i have to. i need to look for a job dammit.

started sending my resume out already... just waiting for a hit. so far, none yet. we'll just have to wait i guess.

project 12 : november 06

i was supposed to start this project three months ago … but typical me ... being the ultimate procrastinator that i am, put it off till forever. i have no problem seeing things done .. the only problem i have is getting things started. okay, perhaps not procrastinating ... i’d prefer calling it ‘waiting for inspiration to come’.

there’s this empty wall by the sofa at our family lounge area. wtf? trying to make it sound official. heh. in actuality, we just call it the ‘tv place’. so anyway, there was this one time that i laid and stared at the empty wall .. it was one of the few rare moments that my attention deterred away from the death grip of the tv .. and i envisaged an art project that i was determined to see through. i kept on nagging about starting to paint again ... and now, i finally have a goal and purpose. i’m going to try to adorn that empty wall.

here’s the plan :

i call it project12. there’ll be twelve 12” x 12” canvas frames (which amazingly cost only RM12.90 each, i thought it’d be at least RM30 plus) which i’m going to paint once a month for 12 months. so, there’ll be 12 separate art works, hung 3 frames across and 4 down. it’s not going to be a series, but just random, abstract designs that i’ll paint according to my mood of the month.

yesterday, while i was on leave (supposedly medical but couldnt even bring my ass up to go to the clinic) and bored at home, i decided to start on my project. it didn’t require me to move much, so i figured why not.. it’ll hopefully take my mind off the pain. and it did. i was so engrossed in it that i didn’t even realize that i almost got it finished in a matter of 4 hours.

i've almost forgotten how therapeutic painting can be. while i was painting, i felt somewhat calmer, centered, grounded and free. i managed to blocked everything else out ... there’s nothing but me, the brushes, the paint, the canvas and tori amos. for a second then, i even thought about doing this for a living. painting, photography, traveling, perhaps a bit of writing ... very bohemian. but then again, im not good enough at doing any of those things.

well, anyway.. here’s a photographic account of my journey to absolute freedom..

1. tools i need to get me started :



most people use photoshop and vectors nowadays. but i am old-fashion so.. canvas is my choice.

acrylic, oil paint, brushes, canvas ... and couldn't have done it without my trusty iPod, playing nothing but tori amos, good music to channel into that artsy mood.

i like using acrylic, as opposed to oil paint. acrylic has the shine of oil, the intensity of pelaka, it's easy to control, it's quick to dry .. and it doesnt smell. the only drawback is that it's bloody fucking expensive. but for this piece, i'm mixing between acrylic and oil.


2. laying the groundworks.



outlining what i want to paint. i can only do abstract. coz i cant draw shit if my life depended on it. my first composition.. circles. probably because thats the collective mood im feeling this month. running around in circles, chasing my own tail, extremely tired and totally confused. and also because im menstruating, i was feeling rather round-er.


3. first stroke.



choosing which color to start with is important. i makes or breaks the whole composition. well, yeah, of course it's reversible, i can always cover everything up with white paint and start over .. but im a bona-fide lazy ass so i have to really pick and stick with that color for as long as i live.

4. filling in the gaps.



initially, i wanted to make a black base with red fillings and white trimming .. but at that moment, my mind sort of wandered off to spain and i just somehow picked up the yellow tube of oil paint and started trimming. kinda makes the colors stand out i guess.

5. final touches



a lot of people have pointed out that it looks very batik-esque. whatever.

one more layer of oil to give it shine and texture .. wait two to three days for it to dry and its all ready to be hung.



i can't wait to start on the next piece.

i just had to...

ye ye je aku nih kan .. dok maki hamun mencarut merabai macam macam bahasa, last last cave in gak. semua tu bravado je. deep down inside i'm cuak shitless bila dapat tau org ofis baca blog aku ni ...

so, im forced to change and edit a whole freaking lot on my blog. its my feeble attempt in making this blog dooce-proof (for now at least). first .. i started with my URL. only the chosen one will get to read my blog this time. and then i have to change my username ... because unlished is totally overused and too predictable in my case. i dubbed myself to something which sounds much more closer to home. and then i have to go back to my previous previous posts to omit out the names i've stupidly dropped during my green-blogger days.

well, you might say that it's easier for me to just delete everything i've written about work.

are you kidding me? penat-penat je tulis.. sayang plak nak delete.

is it the water or is there something wrong with me?

my left under eye have been twitching and spasming since last week ... and its really annoying. orang melayu say that it is probably a sign that something's going to happen and i'm going to cry ...

well, something did happen. i lost my camera. but i didnt cry over it. and my eye's still twitching. how do i stop it?

do i have to cry?

and if i do, will it stop?

not the twitching ... but the crying, i mean.

forgive my indecisions

ok tak template baru nih? .. fine lah, so the graphics doesnt really complement my blog title ... or maybe i should change the title too.. again. but cant think of anything right now. something along the line of "life is not a movie" maybe ... bah, thats so cliche. actually i changed because the previous design is also apparently a template for the friendster blog. so it has lost its novelty to me.

for those who really know me would know easily amused and easily bored i can be. despite the unreasonable amount of job reqs piling up on my desk so late in the week prior to the week-long raya holiday .. (and forseeing many many more once the corporate restructuring take place after the festive week) .. i was bored out of my wits and hence, i needed some new addiction to amuse me.

i dont know crap about designing the web. all i know is, ... google and download. and then have fun figuring out how to customize the ready made designs. man, i shouldve taken multimedia seriously .. i shouldve concentrated in class during the flash tutorials. i shouldve done better in school. i shouldve thought about this then.

tapi tak kisahlah kan... at least i still know something or else i couldnt have gotten my page to look as awesome as this ... and i wouldnt even have my gallery hosted.

next up : setting up my own domain.

contemplating career change

i was talking to my brother yesterday over csi miami and while waiting for the late night replay of rockstar : supernova (that ryan star dude rocks losing my religion on piano by the way). it was one of the rare moments where i can actually string up conversations with him since he’s almost always sleeping. we were talking about the ultimate kick ass career for a creative person such as him ... and myself. like as if im good enough to be in the same league as a creative person lah?

these are the options of possible careers for me that we came up with (just in case the boss changes his mind about me, or found out that i cant actually write for shit, or might’ve read my blog and therefore got dooced, i have these alternatives to fall back on) :

• a photographer (i think i can do this. not the best … but getting there. and i think i’d choose to do portraits, or weddings or children photography)
• a photo editor (gotta love photoshop)
• a photography director for a motion picture or tv production (i only have to kick ass in that photography bit first)
• person who chooses which music to put into which scene in a movie / tv (what are they called again?) – i know i can do this too. although i have no background in music whatsoever, and i cant even drum my fingers on the dashboard properly, but i am an eclectic listener - from hans-zimmer to Jason mraz to tori amos to pussycats to imogen heap to lamb to robbie williams to 50 cent to tommy page … right down to 4U2fuckingC.
• a translator for astro – for CSIs. (hell yeah!)
• a chocolate / ice cream / candy taster – or all of those
• a music / movie / book reviewer (but then again, they would require writing wouldn’t it?)
• an abstract painter (speaking of which, i kinda miss painting…)

or better yet...

• a SHAM (Stay At Home Mom) and watch oprah and bake cookies all day in my bini kaftan and my hair up in a bini sanggul
  

that’s all i have, for now at least, until i found a new addiction. pretty good choices i have there i think.

bummed

nine days off and still, nothing eventful has happened. but i kinda like the life, not having a goal or plan or destination. to wake up whenever the hell i want to, to watch the tv all day long, to wear shorts and tshirt and no bra, to shower only once a day ... i so can get use to being a bum. i did that once for 5 months straight and managed not to go insane. ok, maybe just a little bit depressed but not insane. im telling you, bumming is what i do best.

urgh. the thought about going back to work tomorrow, with more shit from shitty accounts to put up with.. gee man, i cant wait. im wet with anticipation.

god, i cant do this anymore. i need another job. i need another career. speaking of which, i found a limkokwing brochure while mom was cleaning up my brothers' room the other day and something caught my intrigue. diploma in jewelery design. i think i may have found a new passion. should i go for it? or could it be just another one of those lukewarm half-assed phases that i go through all the time? you know.. do a little bit here and there but dont really master in one particular thing. typical.

conundrum

the CD asked me if im happy working here, as compared to working at recruitment. i had to pause. maybe i was trying to think of a plausibly safe answer. safe but not entirely honest. in the end i said i wasn’t. honest enough for you? naturally, he asked why simply just to keep the conversation rolling i guess. whatever. it was pretty awkward. ive said something along the line of not being cut out for this job. about not being able to meet the expectation. about not being able to think outside the box and use english the way the other copywriters do, who were born for this, or at least went overseas to study copywriting.

“there’s an opening back at recruitment”, he told me. “your old job. you were good at your old job weren’t you girl?” i think so. then he asked me if i want it back. then again, maybe not. not now. not with this management.

i gotta think about myself now. what exactly i want to do. where exactly i want to go? to tell you the truth, i have absolutely no idea.

its a MAD, MAD world

I just realized that I only feel crappy about work when I feel like I cant deal with the crap they throw at me. I guess everybody feels that way about their day. Well everybody except for the advertising friendly super-copywriter-dude. he’s so cool and composed even when clients fuck him upside down inside out left right and centre. I don’t know how he does that. I on the other hand, who wears her heart like a freaking tunas puteri badge, gets obviously murderous when everything goes FUBAR.

I was never really good at hiding my feelings. I was never really good at verbally expressing them either. So I guess it still works for me. People would still know when im upset, people know when im happy, people know when I have my period, people know when im drunk. not that ive ever gotten drunk. I suppose if I drink, people would know.

Well, anyway, right now, everything seems to be sliding into FUBAR mode and I FUCKING HATE MY JOB! Kinda sorta opened up to a colleague, of how much im not liking my new job as a mainstream copywriter, and how much I prefer doing something else somewhere else, and how much I miss the fast-paced environ of recruitment, I don’t think it was such a good move telling her all that but I guess, at that moment, I just had to .. or else I’d breakdown and go columbine on everyone. its not a good move blogging about work either. my left brain have this constant problem consulting with my right brain and vice versa. psychologists have a terminology for my condition and its called stupidity.. but anyway

maybe now that I’ve told her what’s on my mind, I guess I could ask her to recommend me a good recruitment ad agency since, according to her, she’s got more than 10 years experience in the industry. She must know some good places.

Where’s that MAD book? By the way, the MAD book is so aptly acronymed don’t you think?

everybody's got potential ... to get fired.

i think im pushed to start hunting for another job now. the creative team was called to a meeting this morning. too early for that kinda meeting i’d say. the kinda meeting that screws up your whole day. im talking about the “buck up or get the fuck out” meeting. those who are yet to be confirmed can might as well assume that their conformation letter is as material as halloween apparitions. they’re already starting to look for replacements even when nobody has left.

im kinda sortta maybe assuming that im on the ‘possibly replaced’ list. between me and the other copywriters, i suck, i know. my grammar’s all over the place. my eloquence is close to shitty. my ideas have all been used before – about 20 years ago. my choice of words is pretty predictable, not that outstanding, borderline atrocious. man, i gotta start learning english again.

no matter how late we work, or how many weekends with the boyfriend / girlfriends / family / friends / pets / ho / toyboy we’ve missed.. nothing we do is or will ever be good enough. how can we buck up when the clients are predictably fickle minded, and some of the servicing people are slowass dumbfucks.

yes yoke, times like these, recruitment advertising would really make me happy. its practically a vacation. its an environ where there is an actual system, and it really does work because everybody abides by it. its where i have the control of the ins and outs of the jobs. its where nobody works past 6 or during the weekends. its where clients understand the urgency of the job, but its kinda hard when they're nagging for it after only 20 mins of faxing in their requirements. its where there is no need of a fucking strategy. its where i get to see my ads in the papers every saturday, for sure, even if its only in the recruitment pullouts - my work is still my work and im damn proud of it no matter how corny the headline sounds. its where i know who to pinpoint faults at when somebody fucks up. its where i am the writer, the traffic, the servicing, the art director, the dtp, the everything. but most importantly, its where i don’t have to go out and meet clients.

its like being in a safe comfort of the cave where i just wait for the men to bring home a piece of mammoth meat so that i can cut it into perfect little bite size pieces and tell people to cook it up and then i get the first taste of a good cave-cooked meal, before i send it out to the hunters and the clients. i wish i was back to my neanderthallic times.

know any good recruitment ad agencies?

Ive gotten so used to fali’s SLR Olympus. My phone’s camera is obsolete. It was never that good to begin with anyway. I so wanna to save up for an SLR of my own but there are more important things than a camera to think of right now. (oh, I forgot. Cant talk about money right now. even if its mine. coz it was money that started the whole fight). But I still want a camera. Coz im thinking about becoming a wedding photographer (since I got good reviews for my bidan terjun stint at cary’s wedding). Hey, there’s plenty money in that, wedding photojournalism. look at saifulnang. he gets to travel to london and paris. All I need is a good SLR, and maybe a laptop.

That’s my plan. Wait till ayis is free from his contract, but that wont happen till December next year maybe. Perhaps get married in between that. Quit advertising. Become a full time housewife, freelance translator slash designer .. i miss designing btw, and a part time wedding photographer.

Well, I’ll always have advertising to fall back on. Not just any advertising. recruitment advertising. bullshit less, live more.

im torn.

im tired.

i don’t know which one is more important.

i don’t know which one to save.

my job or my relationship.

i can stay here and finish my job but risking ending my relationship.

or go spend time with him but get fired.

i can find a job and money anywhere.

but a guy like him? i had to wait 4 years to find.

im insecure about my job.

im scared about losing him.

im tired.

im torn.