crazy ever after

i used to go out with this guy who speaks very little english, although we managed to last 4 years it was really hard communicating with him. i mean i can speak malay but some words sound better in english – but this guy… he cant even grasp a simple sentence like “taking things for granted” or “i miss you so much, it hurts to even breathe” (coz that just sounds funny in malay. let me try to put it into perspective : eg “yang, i rindddduuuu sangat kat u. sampai i nak nafas pun sakit tau” and i’ll get a silly reply like “you semput kot?”) samdol! so basically, when im pissed off at him, i’ll naturally throw out a few english words around but he’ll stare at me blankly and i had to repeat everything back in malay. in the same don’t fuck with me tone, with the same intensity of multifarious emotions boiling deep within me.

so upon breaking up.. (i mean after i got over my 5 months of depressive “unworthy of love” phase) i kinda criteria’ed up the things i look for in a guy. one of it is that he has to speak and understand english. found a few.. disliked a few for other unrelated reasons. like one understood english perfectly well but only listens to his chauvanistic self, one smokes wayy too much i think i would have died a stage 3 lung cancer within just 1 1/2 hours of meeting him, one sounded really nasal, one had really high-pitched voice, one didn’t like cats, one was smoking pot while i was in the car with him… im ok with that but what if we got caught? what if dad smelt it on me? idiot! one was a matsal but had broken english, one was constantly giving me new icky petnames at every beginning and ending of every sentences, one was a few inches shorter than me...

so after all these guys i kinda add on a few other criteria on my list and amended the existing ones..

then i found one who speaks perfect english.. with the most sexy american accent.. but his eloquence got me flipping thru the dictionary every few seconds. that is rather intimidating but all good since i get to brush up on word power while im at it. but then he speaks little malay. so see.. i gotta amend my most crucial decisive factor in my list. that he’s gotta be able to speak and understand malay too.

so, now i know that i gotta look for a tall, eye-pleasing, educated malay guy who can speak reasonable and understandable english, whom doesnt smoke that much if not at all, whom has a nice manly voice that sortta resounds in my head before i go to sleep at night, has gotta like cats coz i'll be talking about keeno and chiqa a lot, does not call me 'sugarplum' within just a few minutes of meeting me

but u know what.. im just gonna shred that list and just go with the flow. im too tired to dissect on every little factor to determine who i would like to date. im much more scared that im gonna end up with no one. i know people will scrutinize my every stinking imperfections as i do to a lot of people.

but this is me.

and i dont really give a fuck.