things unsaid

why is it that when we’ve got a lot of things to say to each other, we say nothing? is it because we don’t want to hurt each other with all the things unsaid? or are we just too embarrassed to embarrass ourselves for saying the stupidest things? or do we just prefer to keep it to ourselves and let it suppress and eventually explode beyond all recognition?

when you asked me what was it that i wanted to say to you .. i just kept quiet and said nothing and then hang up on you. if you only knew what i was thinking and feeling at that moment. well, to tell you the truth, i, myself, didn’t know what i was thinking and feeling at that moment. was i supposed to be angry? or was i supposed to say i was sorry? or was i supposed to just forgive you even if you didn’t say you were wrong? or was i just supposed to forget what or who started it? or who was wrong? im not so sure anymore.

what i really wanted to say was … im sorry. for whatever its worth. i don’t care what or who started it, im sorry. im sorry for saying things i shouldn’t have said. im sorry that i cant hide my anger. im sorry for not respecting you and your feelings. im sorry im always being insensitive. im sorry im such a terrible girlfriend. im sorry for every pain, anger, disappointment and trouble ive caused you. im sorry im such a bitch.

i just don’t want to fight anymore. i hate feeling like this. i hate hating you. i hate crying myself to sleep. i hate having this doubt. i hate thinking if im good enough for you. i hate thinking if you’re good enough for me. i hate this deafening silence.

but actually, the only thing i really wanted to say to you is that …

i love you.