i wrote a letter for you ...

hi sayang. so, here i am, at 2 am .. sitting alone in my room, writing this letter for you whilst listening to snow patrol intermingled with the soothing sound of cricket. i think it may be the same cricket that was in your car before.

i’ve got a some office work to get started on actually .. but i don’t have the mood to be doing any work. perhaps because i don’t have the desire to work there anymore, like i’ve told you. i know that i still have to get it done but right now there are far bigger problems and bigger priorities which i have to care more about. im sorry that i decided to put this up here for everyone else to read. but you know me. im a showboat. i want to show and share. i hope you don’t mind.

i know i have told you incessantly how sorry i am for being such a bitch last thursday. i picked a fight with you over a silly thing and sensationalized it in my head which ended up burning my heart. and typical me, always at the wrong timing. and i didn’t even want to hear your reasons. because to me, those are just … reasons. and reasons are cheap.

im sorry i raised my voice at you. im sorry that i said that you didn’t try to understand my feelings when you’re the most understanding person i know. im sorry that i said you didn’t care. you’re right. if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t even call me to tell me you’re going off in the first place, you’d just go. and if you didn’t care, you wouldn’t even push me to tell you what’s on my mind and heart even when you know you’re gonna like what i’d say.

im sorry sayang... if only i knew.

im sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most. i should’ve followed you back home like you’ve asked me to. although i don’t know if i'd be any help at all. i’d probably make things worse, given my easily pissed off nature. but at least i could hold you and tell you that we’re gonna be all right.

im sorry that it didn’t go as well as you’ve expected. im sorry that things have gotten a lot more complicated than we’ve thought. im sorry that there’s always seem to be something obstructing us from getting what we’ve wanted most. im sorry for what you’ve had to go through before you met me. im sorry that you have to unshit this mess. im sorry that you have no choice but to think about that bitch again. im sorry that you forgot to kiss your mom before you left for kl because you feel like you couldnt stand being there anymore. i know they aren’t my fault but i cant help but feel sorry for you. im sorry that i don’t know how to help you.

im grateful for your cousin who stood by you and kept you sane when all these things happened, supporting you when you feel like you're being neglected, stopping you from doing stupid things. im thankful that he took the responsibility to drive you back to me safely when you were not in the right frame of mind to drive. maybe i should call him one of these days to thank him.

i promise you though. we are going to get through this together. come what may, i’ll stick by you. i won’t betray you like she did. i wont disappoint you like she did. i wont use you like she did. we will have fights, we will argue, we will disagree, we will hate each other .. heck, we will even feel like killing each other, that i can't deny … but i promise you that i wont ever leave you.

we’ll get through this. i promise.

love,
katak