on religion...

as a friend of mine jousted for a little bit of respect for being a muslim in here and also some parts here (and then it got even more heated when they decided to message each other personally, and the argument turned from religion to politics to racial bigotry and that's when i requested not to be kept updated because both of them were being childish) ... it got me to wonder if i could've done it better, or at least, put up a feeble fight to demand some right and respect from intolerant, typo errorist bastards like that sunil rendawa idiot (who will hence on known as 'Asshole') without risking of being a murtad by my own doing, given my really friable iman.

i once had my religion questioned by a new brother - who was a devout catholic from new jersey, he only converted because of marriage, not because he's willing to to embrace Islam - and his questions and rationales got me to rethink about Allah and His teachings that i felt i was betraying Allah. so much so that everytime he questioned me, i had to literally stop and ucap dua kali masyahadah. which goes to show that i don't know much about my religion, and that i'm only in it because i was born into it.

but in any case, i was hurt about what Asshole said, picking on Muslims in Malaysia just because he doesn't belief that there's a power bigger than his dick. i have friends whom belief in different gods and friends whom don't belief in any, but at least they don't go around condemning other friends for having faith in Allah and his Prophet. but i do admit, there are some truths about what Asshole said about Muslims in Malaysia being hypocrites.

we (not all, but a majority of muslims in malaysia, me included) are hypocrites because we tend to only use the principles of Islam whenever and whereever it applies to our lifestyle and way of thinking. and we sometimes use sermons and preachings as political vehicles. i'm sorry, but it is the sad truth. some of you might think that i don't really know what i'm talking about because i'm a girl and i don't attend friday prayers and listen to sermons so what the fuck do i know. i may look ditzy at my best, but my knowledge does extend further than you can imagine. i have physically attended the friday prayers once while i was in ITM and at any given friday while i was on my 2 months sabbatical leave from joblessness in perth. and it was different in perth. i felt more a muslim there than here. the sermons make a lot more sense and touches the core of my being and are not politically inclined. and i do know about the sermons in Malaysia because i occasionally read these.

i know i have no business to talk about religion here as i myself is a hypocrite, i'm am not at all pious, or aspire to become self-righteous. i can't even keep my appointment with God five times a day when i can spend hours on the net or watching the tv or watch the most recent movies. i only seek Him when i need help, or when all hope is gone. i know it is selfish. im failing in my primary duty as a Muslim probably because i belief that God will always be there to accept me and forgive me for abandoning Him all these years - although it is wrong for me to think so. but it's also because that i know i can't be totally kusyuk in my prayers. have you ever gone into a presentation, when the clients are not at all interested in what you're pitching and their minds wander off to obscure places, because everything else seems much more intriguing than concepts rationales or market studies. then you'd know how disappointing it feels to be disrespected like that. i dont want to disappoint my God, i don't want to be disrespectful to Him. that is why i pray when He has my fullest attention. so, does that make me less a Muslim?

i don't wear tudung not because i have no respect for my religion but because i'd only be disrespecting the values of wearing a tudung. a pious senior in ITM once asked why i chose to be a 'free hair' (that's what they called girls who do not cover their heads) and i told her i wasn't ready, only to be counter-rationalised with something along the line of "but you still have to sit for an exam even if you're not ready, kan?". wtf? that was totally irrelevant and out of context. and it's also not because i think it's outdated and out of fashion, i chose to be a 'free hair' so that i wont be 'acting' like what i'm not. 'holy'. that's what i meant when i said that i wasn't ready. there's a big responsibility in wearing and carrying that image. a responsibility that most who do wear it seem to forget and take for granted. so, when i wear it, it would be because i know that i'm worthy of the image of a good Muslim woman, when i know that i can do it justice. and definitely not because it looks fashionable to wear two to three different coloured layers of extremely long shawls wrapped around the upper half of the body - a ritual seemingly close to resembling saran wrap treatment in spas, but only for the top part, maybe for resculpting the brain. no, that's not fashionable at all.

i don't read the quran, but i love how calm it makes me feel listening to it being recited. i don't read because i don't know how to read arabic. but i do aspire to learn because i want to feel as calm reading it myself rather than just hearing it. but on the other hand, i don't understand why people judge me as being a terrible muslim just because i can't read. my only point is, there's no point in reading when you don't understand what you're reading about? in a sense, i do read the quran. even if its the translation in languages i can understand. at least i understand.

i also choose not to drink. some may regard that as hypocrisy on my part, but we've established that before. i am. i've even felt like an outcast and even quietly labeled myself a social retard. i've even been called 'holy' for not eating a biscuit that contains a bourbon-laden cream centre. but its not at all about being holy, or about halal or haram. the halal and haram issues are grey matters these days. if you really want to get into it, i think game shows like 'who wants to be a millionare', or 'roda impian' or 'fulus mania' are in a sense, gambling. so, in the context of halal and haram, i believe that once you play with luck to hopefully win some money, that's considered haram, right? so there. that's my personal opinion on that matter. but i could be wrong.

i have no qualms with my muslim friends who drink. that's their prerogative. i personally choose not to drink, not because i've been thought early on that it is wrong, ok, yeah .. maybe that had to do with it. but it is also because i know that i am weak and could easily give in to temptation. don't assume that i'm not curious about how alcohol tastes like. sangria sounds very delectable. kahlua and bailey's cream looks alluringly like melted caramel ice cream, chili's strawberry margarita seems like fun in a pint, and sex on the beach ... well that sounds like heaven. yes, the cocktail sounds like heaven too. but i choose not to drink because of self-control and self-preservation. i know my limits ... or as for my case, the lack thereof. i know that what starts as a 'try' could possibly lead to a 'habit'. like coffee. or painkillers. or that delicious chocolate marshmallow cake from Secret Recipe. or blogging. and facebook. or grey's anatomy. see, i'm weak. and i appreciate my friends for respecting my choice and not to not tempt a weak woman with alcohol. i don't need another addiction. i have enough problems as it is.

of all the things i do and don't do, i think i'm a Muslim in my own rights. albeit not a good one, but i'm a good person striving to understand my religion, know my God, and become a better believer and follower. judge me all you like, but in the end, as they say ... kubur lain-lain. to each its own.