monthly letter : month ten

dear arwen,





i cannot believe that you'll be turning ONE in just a couple of months. oh my god, ONE! i don't think i am ready to become a mom to a toddler yet. do you think if it's possible for you to stay 10 months old for a little while longer? so i can mentally and physically prepare myself before i start running after you in shopping complexes and whatnot? okthnx.



big news this month. i don't know if i should tell you this because i might regret it later on when you use this knowledge against me, but you're gonna learn about it sooner or later anyway because you're gonna ask me how you got that dent on your forehead. you fell off Onni's bed and bumped your head big time. it gives me chills till this day looking at a photo of your bruised head. i'm really, truly sorry that i wasn't there to look after you. i know it's not my fault, nor was it Oma's fault for leaving you to sleep all by yourself on that high bed. no, actually, yeah it was my fault. i should've been there watching you, but instead i went out shopping. there's no amount of sorries in the world that could make up for my negligence. but that's all i can say. sorry, sayang.



probably a blessing in disguise? i don't know. but somehow, since that unfortunate fall, you suddenly had some strokes of genius going on. all of a sudden you were able to shake your head from side to side. it's like i've been telling you NO for all of your life, keeping you captive to my negativity, and now, it's your turn to tell me that NO means NO. and you say no to almost all my questions. you want to sleep, arwen? no! you want milk? no! you want to mandi? no. you want to sleep in your cot? no! baby, let's change your diaper! no! did you poop? no! you want to eat? no! arwen, finish your food please. no! you want your monkey? no! ok, how about your panda? no! come here i want to wipe that snot off your nose. no! ok, that's enough playground time, lets go home. no! what, you dont wanna go home? no! you want me to carry you? no! practicing freedom of choice so early huh, sayang?



and you've also learned to used your legs instead of your head when sliding off the bed. you'll crawl to the edge of the mattress and make a little u-turn and get down feet first. it's really amazing to see you do that very confidently. like as if that fall? pffbt. that was nothing! it may be the simplest little unconscious thing people do, yet i see it as a big deal. i never realized it until you came along. i know that it takes a lot of learning, evaluating the problem and strategizing a solution. i mean, for a 10 month old baby to figure that out? WOW!



you've had another fever this month. one of your worse yet. it came up to 40° at one point and i was worried sick. like, literally. because i got sick right after that. after two trips to the doctor's and a course of antibiotics and other meds, you pulled through. it took about 5 days, but you're doing well. we didnt sleep the whole week while you were sick. i felt so helpless and i cried because there was nothing much i can help to ease your pain.

right now you're just coughing and it's driving you mad. i know, it's annoying but i'm sorry. as much as i hate seeing you uncomfortable, there's nothing much we can do about it. we're just gonna have to let it run its due course.





i just wish that your cough goes away faster because i think all three of us could use some uninterrupted sleep and so that you can finally sleep in your own bed again without waking up in the middle of the night crying because you hate coughing alone. as much as i love having you sleep next to me, inhaling your breath, nuzzling your neck and taking in your smell, having you kick my face, feeling your small, soft, warm little hands on my face, feeling you wedge your face under my arms - but me and daddy? we're getting backaches now sleeping on the edges of the bed for weeks. so please, i hope you'll get yourself reacquainted with your own bed very very soon.



you've also starting to point at things now when you want something. like showing the stairs when you want to go downstairs, pointing at your tricycle when you want to get on that, the door when you want to get out of or in the room. the corner where we make milk for when you want milk. that, couple with your ability to shake your head when you mean no, makes communicating with you so much easier. you're interactive!



you also understand basic anatomy. you already know where your ears and teeth and legs and toes and hands are and will touch or lift the said parts when we ask you about them. especially when we ask you about your hair. yes, the first body part you learned was hair. you know you're gonna grow up to be such a girly girl.



another big news this month. Michael Jackson passed away some 5 days ago. it's a shame that you'll never get to know how much his life and lost has impacted the world. you'll probably never know how much his music and video clips rock. you can only imagine what a moonwalk is but then again, in this day and age, nothing truly dies. this sad news would probably be irrelevant to you, but i'm sure in 12 years time when some punk rock emo whatever band is singing 'man in the mirror' or 'billie jean' and you'll hear it for the first time thinking that song is freaking awesome, and i would probably burst your bubble singing along to it and you'll think "no way, my mom can't seriously be this cool!", i'll teach you something about Michael Jackson.



love,
mama