parental discretion is advised

in my attempt to move things along, defying nature's course and hastening this labour process, i've so far done these things (in random order) :

1. obsessive nipple tweaking
2. eating spicy food (not recommended when you're battling the worst heartburn of the century)
   
3. squatting exercises (which only resulted in hemorrhoids as big as golf balls. PAIN)
4. drinking coconut juice
5. laughing a lot
6. try to walk up and down the stairs as much as penguinly possible

the only things i have yet to try is blowing up balloons and having sex. they say semen can help ripen the cervix and induce labour. they also say rubbing evening primrose oil could also help ripen the cervix, but where's the fun in that? right?