long overdue

this post, i mean. not the delivery. i had an early delivery afterall. about 10 days in advance. she actually listens to me, the baby. im such a lucky mom. mom. wow, im officially a mom!

let me tell you how that happened.

FRIDAY, 29 AUGUST 2008

i was getting pretty anxious but somewhat zenned to the fact that this baby won’t be coming out this month, as i’ve hoped for. she’s probably gonna come out later than her due date which was supposed to be Sept 11. people have told me that first babies usually will take their own sweet time, especially if you’re expecting a girl.

i even told my husband and brother that i was actually thinking about inducement if this baby doesn’t come out by sunday. because, i thought i might save almost two weeks of unpaid leave, and also because i want the baby and me to be ready for a long journeys to pekan and jb for raya. but naturally, everyone was against that atrocious idea, especially my brother falie, the doctor. so i waited some more.

by night i was having regular and painful contractions. this time it felt like the real thing. very much unlike period pain. these, started from the back and radiates to the front and numbs my whole leg. so i tried to bear through it the whole night. didn’t think i slept. so i waited till morning as we had a scheduled checkup with the doctor.


SATURDAY, 30 AUGUST 2008

bumped into jack & gina at the ATM at Petronas near my house. jack asked when i'm due. "anytime now" i said, believing that i am maybe, keeping hopes up, having this baby in the next hour. and then off i went to see the doctor.

when the doctor checked and broke the disappointing news that i’m not even a millimeter dilated, hopes were crushed and i went back home feeling down. but she did advise us to try and have sex if i want to spike the labor process. the husband was of course, after more than full 8 months being denied sex (kesian), was beaming with delight with that idea.

that evening, we headed down to KLCC to do some last minute shopping. to look for maternity bras. i thought i’d waited it out till my boobs are actually filled with milk but then again i figured i wouldn’t have time to do it once the baby came out. so i went to triumph at iSetan and got the biggest sized maternity bra they had. only because LaSenza didn’t carry the size for real women with real boobs made for nursing baby. it was a shame, because they were selling pretty nice ones for RM126 – and 2 for the price of one. and they had them in black.

SUNDAY, 31 AUGUST 2008

at 5 am, and no, we didn't have sex (because i was too tired from walking around KLCC), labour contractions began. actually, after so many false alarms, i didn’t really think it was real labour pains. i thought i just had an upset stomach. maybe from the slightly uncooked shrimp on the marinara i had at KLCC that evening. it felt like the pain you get from food poisoning on your first day of period. like you’re about to fart and crap and puke and die at the same time.

i was practically on my hands and knees on the bed, walked around, doing squatting exercises, tried to poop, heaving like mad trying to make the pain go away while my dear husband casually snores. thinking it was just another false alarm, i didn’t even bother to wake him up. but when he got up at 6 something, i told him i was in pain but he doesn’t seem to take it too seriously. he went downstairs to get on the net and watch youtube, or something.

by 7 am, when the dawn’s light finally hits my room, i saw some stains on my sheet and panicked immediately. it was darker than blood. it was almost black. so i slowly walked downstairs, stopping a few times midway to ease the contractions and told my husband that i’m showing. him, thinking i was saying something about making breakfast, said “yeah, let’s cook!” what the hell? ... “NO .. HOSPITAL! NOW!!”

so we rushed to the clinic. by rushed i mean as fast as it was possible for me, and headed straight to the delivery wards. obviously, being an auspicious date for the patriotic, the ward was full with women who’ve delivered, been induced and had/having cesareans. believe it or not, the midwives thought out loud about where to put me, the emergency case. they were practically discussing amongst themselves and some words i managed to eavesdrop were "mana nak letak dia ni?" the hell? look, ladies, i think i am about to have this baby right now, i don’t care about a room, i can deliver her on the floor for all i care, as long as somebody is there to catch her.

once they finally got a bed for me at around 8 something, one of the midwives did an internal check and told me that i was not dilated. what? all of that pain and im still not having this baby today? but thank god, she had the right mind to poke me a little deeper to see if maybe my birth canal is slightly further up than normal. true enough. she found an opening and it’s been dilated to 5 cm. panic mode ensued.

suddenly, it seems like all of the midwives and nurses on duty were attending on me. someone yelled "call the doctor!", somebody was strapping the CTG belt on me, somebody was checking my blood pressure, someone was cleaning up around me. it was too much activity for me at 8 in the freaking morning. suddenly i need coffee. laced with morphine. lots of morphine. please.



*excuse my face. I WAS IN PAIN, OK?*

the doctor (who was actually off-duty that day) finally came at 9 and it was her turn to poke me inside to see if i was truly dilated. she confirmed i was at 5 cm. and then she took this long rod and impaled me through my wee waw and suddenly i feel all wet and warm down under and innocently asked the doctor "apa tu?". she broke my water. and the delivery room was flooding. and then she told me she’d be back in a few hours to see if i’ve progressed.

in the mean time, the midwives and nurses, my husband and mom are all attending to me, telling me to relax, zikir, lie in a certain position, someone even mentioned that i'm such a trooper for being able to withstand the pain. as some women are already screaming for an epidural at 1 cm dilation. heck, i would’ve too. but since the doctor said that it was too late for me to have an epidural, i simply have to bear it.

great.

in a couple of hours, she came back from doing some grocery shopping at Giant to check on me before she goes home to cook lunch. nice, i’m having a baby and my doctor is cooking lunch. naturally, or rather theoretically, i'm expected to dilate 1 cm every hour. but i was not progressing, so she injected some pitocin into my drip and some painkiller into my ass.

oh my god, the contraction pains after that was fucking unbearable. i cried and moaned and cried and moaned and almost broke my husband’s hand and the hospital bed. the painkiller didn’t really kick in in time. i think i have too much fat on my ass for the drug to filter through. my mom predicted i’d be having this baby after zohor, as she has predicted i’d be having this baby by end of the month. so far she’s 1 to 2.

at 1.20 something (i assumed) i felt the baby’s head about to make its way out and her legs were pushing against my lungs. between my clenched jaws, i casually told my mom and husband that i think im about ready to push. it felt like im about to do no. 2 right there and then. mom panicked and was shouting "SHE'S PUSHING!". someone rushed in and poked into me again and confirmed that i’m almost at 10 cm. someone should call the doctor to tell her to stop cooking and deliver this baby now.

the doctor came at record speed and my husband, and brother the doctor were by my side to help me deliver. my husband was such a hero for wanting to be there to witness his daughter’s delivery. initially, he confessed that he can’t stand the sight of blood and seeing me being in so much pain. he didn’t want to be there during delivery. but when the time came, he did, and i love him more for doing it. my brother was a big help too, coaching me through it all. i think he was better at coaching me than my doctor and the nurse and midwives. i couldn't have done it as 'easy' without him.

although i couldn't remember much, but after only (according to my brother) 3 pushes, at 1.38 pm, my baby girl was born. she's finally here! hearing her first cries was one of the most beautiful, but painful sounds i have ever heard. i cried too, of course. i think my husband did too. he kissed me on my forehead and thanked me. i cried some more.

and then the doctor put her on my chest. i held her in my arms and thought that she's the most beautiful thing in the world. time just stopped and everything went blurry but her face. and i was slowly taking in the moment, overpowered by this unexplainable surge of emotions. i am in love. a line by Jason Mraz came to mind : "i have seen a thousand things in one place but i stopped my counting when i saw your face".

in the midst of my tears, i choked up a hi to her. (i know i should've said 'assalamualaikum', but i was totally brain dead at the moment). and like as if she’s recognized my voice, she opened one eye to look at me.

i am a mother.
















and i know you’ve heard it all before and as cliché as it may sound, it is very very true. that all that complains and pains during pregnancy and labour …

… it was totally worth it.

thank you baby, for making me a mom.