more bad mommy moment

i was walking with arwen towards the stairs to take her down this morning. i swung open the security gate and was holding it open as i adjusted arwen's bag of toys to be sent along with her to the babysitter. she was holding her favourite lion (a sort of similar looking replacement of her lost monkey) and a big stuffed dolphin. usually she's not even bothered about the dolphin, but somehow, like as if Allah knew what's about to happen, something drove her to become obsessed with the dolphin this morning. she was insistent that she wants to carry it all the way to the babysitter's despite me prying it away from her.

and then, just in a split second, i saw her moving sideways and then slid down 3-4 steps, left cheek first. and i just stood by and watched. i did not panic or anything. i just felt indifferent, and helpless. maybe it's because i was still tired and sleepy (got back from the office at 1 am and slept around 2 am). maybe i'm trying to give her some tough love. maybe i blacked out and had a flashback about witnessing my brother falie rolling down the stairs when we were little. when arwen finally stopped falling, which seemed like forever, she cried hard. i had a 5 second lag before i came rushing down to scoop and soothe her. i felt really guilty. i felt so embarrassed, because my mom saw everything. i felt so .. so .. suck at this mom thing.

i'm just glad though, that she's okay. no bruises or anything. just a red sore on her left cheek. i'm glad that she was insistent to carry that big stuffed dolphin. it was that dolphin that cushioned most of her fall. i believe that Allah wants things to happen for a reason. we just have to trust Him.