to be or not to be

don't mind this post because it's basically just a monologue of the things that are stewing in my head. i've got to make some life-changing career-advancing potentially life-threatening decision and it feels somewhat good to just blog out loud.

the boss called me up for a meeting yesterday and i thought it was for a job brief or something. turns out he offered me the Creative Director's position in the company - to lead the one of the best creative teams i've ever worked with. i'm not a big fan of change so that's why i'm still contemplating.

this is the second time that he offered me in the 3 years that i've worked here. the first time he offered, i didnt think i was ready for that kind of responsibility. and furthermore, there was no pay rise so get this, i was to be a CD on a copywriter's salary and i had to do take on both the CD's job and the copywriter job all at once. that's a bit crazy i thought. so i declined.

Now, boss has agreed that i just give directions and make the creative decision and he'll have a jr. copywriter working under me and i'm also expected to guide the said jr. copywriter. i hate making decisions and i hate to liaise directly with the marketing department and/or clients. i do not have the patience, tolerance and the people skills for that. where i am right now, i only need to deal with the existing CD (or rather non-existent because he's here but not really here if you get what i mean), the Art Directors, the Studio Manager, the Strategy Writer, the designers and my computer. where i am now in the company is self-preservation for me. if i were to deal with marketing & clients directly, i'd do crazy. so, no thank you.

and besides, personally, i don't feel like i've done enough as a copywriter yet. i mean, i don't feel like i've reached that level in my career that i think i've got to where i want to and done all that i can do that it's now time for me to step up in the creative level and lead people. i've done that before in the last company. i was the Head of Creative Services and i was the copywriter at the same time. it drove me mad (the office politics and back-stabbing bitches and ass-sucking bastards didn't help either). i was angry all the time. i snap at my cats for no apparent reason, let alone the people around me. i just couldn't hack it then.

but now, after i've sat down with some of the creative team, they say that i should take the offer. one because it'd be easy for the whole of creative team because approvals and briefings and brainstorming will be fast and precise because i don't waste time with the nitty gritty of things. also because they believe that i can do it, that i have the knack for it. that out of the lot, i have the most potential to lead the team because i'm (apparently, according to them and the boss) the kind of person who takes no prisoners, a person who holds her grounds and a person who thinks out loud, no holds barred - or in other words, a loud and stubborn bitch. and that's a good thing, in the business.

i was amazed and overwhelmed by what they think about me. it feels nice that people acknowledge my presence and what i can bring. but unfortunately, i just don't see it in me. one of my colleagues asked me "Lisha, do you know how the side of your earlobes look like?" i said, "No." "Exactly! you can't see it, i can! So just shut up and stop giving lame-ass excuses and be our CD already!" to which i replied, "Wow, man! Thank you for looking at my lobes and telling me that it's not pointy like Yoda's!" "You're welcome!"

ok, even after i blogged about this career conundrum out loud, it's still not helping. i still don't know what to do. should i take it? or should i just stay comfortable and complacent where i am and just take it a day at a time?

see, i can't even make decisions for myself, how can i make decisions for the team? shit man!