37 weeks and waiting

we're officially at 37 weeks this week. the bun is fully baked. just counting hours, waiting for that urge to deliver. we went for our check up last saturday, and the baby's engaged. her weight is already at 2.8 kilos. i might get a 3 pointer baby afterall. her head is really low but im yet to get real contractions. although my braxton-hicks were already at 20-30 minute intervals.

as the days progressed, my contractions were felt at 15-20 minutes and getting much longer and stronger that i thought, you know, since this is my first time, "ok, maybe this is it. maybe this is labour". so, last tuesday we went for a CTG scan again, to confirm if i am really in labour. turns out, im not. i was kind of disappointed. but good news is, according to the machine, i've been getting mild contractions at every 8 minutes, and even better news is, that it'd only get worse.

and then, my vagina was rudely and painfully poked by two wrinkly fingers of the bidan probing to see if i'm dilated. well, not yet. in fact, her exact words were "hmmph, ketat bukan main lagi nih!" .. or in the words of madonna, "like a virgin". i almost wanted to say 'thank you' but i then i realized that it wasnt a good thing, considering the circumstances. i mean, an entire human being is about to come out of there and being tight is something i should be worried about, right?

by the way, if it's not already clearly stated between the lines, im a train wreck. it's the not knowing what's gonna happen within the turn of the minute that's driving me crazy. it's the leaving it up to the baby. and God, of course. now that the baby's head is where it's supposed to be ... what's next? will my water break? will i have a bloody show first? or do i have to wait till i feel that disabling, lose-all-motor-function labour pain that everybody's been talking about?

and the signs are all so clear. i am having this baby soon. like, baby is moving so much, i think it means that she can't wait to come out. sometimes i swear i can feel her trying to dig her way out of that tight hole like a meerkat. and a couple of nights ago, i dreamt that i was eating a baby's cheek with mustard. and yesterday, i swear the rain smelled like a newborn baby. weird, right?

honestly, i hope this baby comes out soon. because, honestly, i dont think i can do this anymore.